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Palin Calls For Hillary Clinton’s Impeachment

July 7, 2016 by John DeProspo 4 Comments

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Saying “enough is enough’ after the FBI declined to bring criminal charges against the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, Sarah Palin is calling for Hillary Clinton’s impeachment.

“There you have it folks. Two sets of rules in our country. One for the rich and powerful and one for everyone else,” said the former Republican vice presidential candidate. “FBI Director Comey knows she’s as guilty as a fox in a hen house but he had to go along with his good ole boy network of corrupt Democrats. This is an insult, an outrage on our great nation that is based on justice for all as is guaranteed in our Bill of Rights.”

A reporter reminded Palin that Clinton could only be impeached if she were first elected president. Palin paused for a moment and said,” Of course I know that!”

When Palin was asked if her recommendation was a stealth way of conceding Donald Trump would not be our next president, Palin replied, “Heck no! It’s Donald Trump all the way. People are sick of Crooked Hillary. And, no, Donald Trump never stole anything.”

“I’m just calling for impeachment on the small chance she wins,” Palin went on to say.

“Senate Republicans need to be ready on her inauguration day to start the process,” said Palin. “She needs to be punished for her crimes and if it’s jail time she must do, then we need to get her to her new home ASAP.”

Palin was confronted with the fact that impeachment is not a criminal, but political, trial. The only punishment a President Clinton would face is removal from office. Palin paused for a moment and said, “Of course I know that.”

If Hillary Clinton were to be elected president and then successfully impeached, a Democrat (her vice president) would still be in the White House. When asked about that scenario, Palin said, after giving the matter some thought, “Of course I know that.”

“We would then impeach her vice president!” offered Palin. “That way the Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, would be our next president. You know he is next in line after the vice president, right?”

Many people make fun of the former mayor of Wasilla, Alaska and 1984 Miss Alaska runner up, but she is no airhead. Her plan to impeach the not-yet-sworn-in President Clinton and her vice president seems well thought out.

Photo | nbcdfw.com

Filed Under: satire

Ben Roethlisberger Not Speaking At Republican National Convention

July 7, 2016 by John DeProspo Leave a Comment

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Just as he is having a hard time lining up a VP pick, Trump is having difficulty finding speakers for his coronation in Cleveland. The Republican nominating convention will be held at the Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland, Ohio, July 18-21.

The latest to say no is Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger.

“I like Mr. Trump a lot but I haven’t even endorsed him!” said Big Ben. “And anyway, I am busy that weekend. I’m mowing my lawn. I have a lot of grass.”

Many establishment Republicans have either said they would not be attending the GOP convention or are refusing a speaking slot. A who’s who list of prominent and up-and-coming Republicans, including the three Bushes, Mitt Romney, John McCain, John Kasich, Lindsey Graham, Kelly Ayotte, and rising star Mia Love— plan to skip the GOP lovefest.

This may leave Trump no other option than his “Plan B.”

“I’m thinking about getting some of the great sports people I know, who like me a lot,” Trump said a few weeks ago. “We may call it ‘The Winners’ Evening’.”

Included on Trump’s wish list are: Tom Brady, Mike Ditka, Mike Tyson, Bobby Knight, Dennis Rodman, Lou Holz and Jesse Ventura.

If Trump follows through with his plan, it would be the first Republican convention where the stage is filled with mostly athletic supporters.

Trump did get some good news recently. The hit act of the 2012 Republican convention said they’d show.

Clint Eastwood and his assistant, “The Chair” will have a prime time speaking slot. They certainly earned such an honor after the bang up job they did for Mitt Romney!

Some of Trump’s other show biz friends have indicated they would be happy to speak at the big show.

Fresh from his smash Las Vegas act, the comedian Carrot Top has agreed to not only speak but also perform part of his comedy routine.

The list of celebrities who say they will attend the convention, and who are open to speechifying, includes: Gary Busey, Ted Nugent, Fran Drescher, Charlie Sheen, Scott Baio, and Wayne Newton.

“It’s going to be a beautiful convention,” said Trump. “Classy. Like nothing you have ever seen before, I can assure you that.”

Photo | profootballtalk.nbcsports.com

Filed Under: satire

Indiana Legislature Set To Ban Masturbation

April 10, 2016 by John DeProspo 18 Comments

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence delivers his State of the State address to a joint session of the Legislature at the Statehouse Tuesday, Jan. 14, 2014, in Indianapolis. (AP Photo/Darron Cummings)

On the heals of a new bill signed into law by Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, which bans abortions sought because of fetal genetic abnormalities, the state’s Republican-controlled legislature is poised to outlaw masturbation; male masturbation, to be exact.

The new anti-masturbation bill, which Gov. Pence has promised to sign once it reaches his desk, makes it a crime for a man to sow his seed without regard to procreation.

“Masturbation is murder,” said Indiana legislative leader, Harold Handler.

“It is not just murder of the sperm but also of the spirit. Masturbation is a sin,” claimed Handler. “Sin marks the demise of the soul unless you are saved by Jesus.”

When confronted with the biological fact that masturbation is not conception but just the releasing of cells from your body and that only when a sperm is united with a woman’s egg does a new life begin, Handler replied, “The Bible says that it is better for your seed to fall in the belly of a whore than on the ground. This shows that, according to God, the act of masturbation is more sinful than the act of prostitution or adultery.”

“But if you’re talking about murdering the sperm, “I asked, “You might as well say that a woman having her period is murder because her body gets rid of the egg?”

Handler replied that there currently is a bill in subcommittee tackling that very issue.

When asked why he would sign such an unenforceable and clearly unconstitutional bill, Gov. Pence replied, “It is our job as elected officials to protect the sanctity of life… all life. And that is exactly what this bill does.”

“Why has American influence been on a downward spiral over the last few decades?” asked Gov. Pence. “Because of the increase in pornography, masturbation, and the proliferation of perverts in our nation. America has lost its moral compass. It is losing its masculine Christian essence because our youth are being allowed to spill their seed wherever they desire. We must stop it.”

When questioned how such a law could possibly be enforced, the governor replied, ”We know it will be difficult, especially in the privacy of one’s home. But any public masturbation will be met with a stiff fine, and in rare cases, jail time. Do you have any idea how many men masturbate in theaters?”

The new anti-abortion law has stirred-up a hornet’s nest among women. If this new anti-masturbation law goes into effect, you can be sure men will not just sit on there hands.

(AP Photo/Darron Cummings)

Filed Under: satire

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