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Seniors Revolt as Trump Messes With Their Healthcare

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Trump’s “Big Beautiful Bill” is here — and it’s got America’s elderly supporters raising hell (and their canes). Promised cheaper, better healthcare, they’re instead getting slashed coverage, ballooning costs, and a Medicare makeover no one asked for.

Now the base that once cheered is booing. Armed with their walking sticks and righteous indignation, grandma and grandpa have declared a full-blown “Cane Mutiny.” Turns out, if you come for their doctors, they’ll come for your polling numbers.

Trump may have expected applause – instead, he’s getting booed louder than an incorrect “Bingo!” call!

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Breaking: Trump Declares U.S. Constitution Unconstitutional

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Only days after telling NBC’s Kristen Welker on Meet the Press that he wasn’t sure whether a president was required to uphold the Constitution, Donald J. Trump has taken decisive action: he’s issued an executive order declaring the U.S. Constitution “unconstitutional.”

In what historians are already calling “a full-blown constitutional WTF,” Trump dismissed the revered document as “very rude, very unfair, and frankly, not nice to me.”

Speaking from a gold-plated podium at Mar-a-Lago, Trump explained: “Look, the Constitution—it’s very, very old. It’s feeble, like Sleepy Joe. Nobody talks about this, but it’s outdated, okay? Outdated. It was written by men in powdered wigs. Wigs! I know a lot about fake hair. Total frauds.”

Legal scholars across the country were reportedly stunned.

“This is, legally speaking, batshit,” said Stacy Farnsworth, professor of constitutional law at Yale. “We knew he misunderstood the Constitution, but we didn’t think he’d actually cancel it like a Netflix mini-series.”

Reactions in Congress were divided. Senator Susan Collins expressed “concern.” Meanwhile, other GOP leaders shrugged. “I mean, the Constitution’s had a good run,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson. “But maybe it’s time for something written in simpler words and larger font.”

Asked by a reporter if the U.S. Supreme Court was still necessary, Trump shook his head.

“No, no, totally unnecessary. Overrated. I’ve been to court like, a hundred times. And I always win or appeal or delay—it’s a beautiful system. But we don’t need them.”

Trump then pulled a Mar-a-Lago dinner menu from his podium, flipped it over, and scribbled “Executive Order: Supreme Court is Fired” in thick black Sharpie, just above the dessert specials.

According to insiders, Trump plans to replace the Constitution with a new one-page document called “The Trump Code,” described as a “more modern, freedom-forward contract” that includes:

  1. Trump is always right
  2. Presidents named Trump can serve unlimited terms
  3. All amendments must be approved by Truth Social polls.

When pressed on what legal authority he had to take such actions, Trump replied, “I have all the authority. Total authority. The best authority. Honestly, George Washington would be jealous.”

Defiant Group of Americans Vow To Disrupt Trump’s Birthday Parade

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Washington, D.C. — With the U.S. Army preparing what critics are calling a “Hail, Caesar! parade” for Donald Trump’s 79th birthday, a rebellious group of Americans has declared they will not stand idly by while tanks roll down streets and the birthday boy gulps down a Diet Coke from the grand stand.

“We must resist,” declared Ned ‘Bluto’ Crandall, the leader of the grassroots movement known as The Spirit of 76% Disapproval. “This is still our country and make no mistake – this war against fascism is far from over. We Americans don’t give up,” said Crandall, hand over heart. “Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell, no!”

The group, composed of veterans, college professors, improv comedians and one guy who insists he once arm-wrestled Bernie Sanders, is still discussing what tactics they will use to disrupt the parade. 

Said Crandall, “We gotta take these bastards. Now, we could do it with conventional weapons, but that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, what this calls for is some really futile and stupid gestures on our part.”

Some of the actions being considered are: throwing water balloons at the baton twirlers, having a drone fly overhead with the banner “No Tanks. Just Thanks (for leaving!)”; a line of mime performers pretending to be stuck in invisible walls in front of the tanks. One group member wearing a Roman toga, who only goes by the name of “Dorfman,” suggested something with marbles.

“We know there are risks and we might be arrested by Trump’s goons,” said Linda Narvis, a retired librarian and self-described human bullhorn. “But when democracy is threatened, we fight back. Because if we don’t stand up now, next year he’ll demand a birthday invasion!”

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