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Trump “Concession” Speech Leaked

November 19, 2020 by John DeProspo 1 Comment

White House sources have revealed Trump is prepared to give his concession speech … soon. 

Below is the leaked copy:

Four years ago, we won a huge victory against Crooked Hillary, with the biggest electoral college win since Ronald Reagan. On my inauguration day, we witnessed something so beautiful … the largest presidential inauguration crowd in history.

And over the past four years we’ve gotten so much done … more than any other administration. So much winning! We won on the military, we won on taxes, we won on the economy, we won on unemployment, we won on trade deals, we won on deregulation, we won on religion, we won on the wall and we won against the China virus.

And now, after a rigged election, people say I should congratulate Sleepy Joe Biden and concede. But how do you concede when all the courts are saying the election was stolen from us through voter fraud? My attorney, Rudy Giuliani, a big baseball fan, keeps saying “it ain’t over ‘til it’s over.” That’s why we’re fighting so hard for democracy, the rule of law and our Constitution.

If you count only the legal votes, there is no doubt I won. Remember when the fake news media said Hillary got three million more votes than me? If you didn’t count the votes of all those illegal Mexican criminals and rapists in California, I got more votes. Now they say Sleepy Joe got six million more votes than me? More fraud, more fake news.

But even though this election was totally unfair, I have decided to leave the White House on January 20. 2021. 

I am hereby announcing my candidacy for president in 2024. I will continue to hold many, many big beautiful rallies.

Our new slogan will be “Make America Great Again … All Over Again” 

I am also using the vast powers given me by Article 2 of the Constitution to pardon myself, my friends and my family of any and all potential crimes, from the start of time to infinity.

So, to all patriotic Americans, stand back and stand by until I’m back in your House in four years.

Photo | politico.com

Filed Under: satire Tagged With: 2020, concession speech, Donald Trump, election, leaked, satire

Joe, It’s Not Too Late … Agree To More Debates!

October 16, 2020 by John DeProspo 1 Comment

Conventional political wisdom has it that the frontrunner in an election wants fewer debates, while the underdog always wants more. So, this summer, when the Trump campaign floated the idea of more debates (over and above the three already agreed to), Biden did the predictable thing … he rejected the offer.

But, as we all know, there is nothing conventional when it comes to Donald Trump. 

As the first presidential debate showed, Trump is his own worst enemy. Many commentators described that first debate as “the worst ever,” thanks mainly to Trump’s obnoxious antics.

And now we’ve had a town hall where Trump, once again, did little to improve his standing among voters … thanks, in part, to the skillful moderating by Savannah Guthrie.

Another tidbit of political wisdom is that, while debates may draw viewers, they rarely change minds.

But with Trump, we may have that rare exception!

Many pundits agree that Trump was the clear loser in both “debates.” They believe he not only failed to improve his electoral chances, but he was so off-putting that he actually may have hurt his odds of winning reelection.

So, go ahead Joe, agree to more “debates” … as many as Trump wants! You’re free tomorrow night, right?

More of Trump’s objectionable shtick can only sway more undecided voters to your camp, Joe, and may even peel off some soft Republican support.

Just one caveat, Mr. Vice President. Any debates you agree to, insist that they are moderated by Savannah Guthrie!

Photo | abcnews.go.com

Filed Under: observations Tagged With: Donald Trump, Joe Biden, more debates, presidential debates, worst debate

Handful of Ted Cruz Supporters Upset With Trump SCOTUS Pick

September 26, 2020 by John DeProspo Leave a Comment

Now that Donald Trump has chosen Amy Coney Barrett to be his nominee to fill Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s Supreme Court seat, a number of Ted Cruz enthusiasts are disappointed with Trump’s selection.

According to a White House source, Cruz was in the running to sit on the nation’s highest court up until the very end. But, the source revealed, it was Trump’s son-in-law and senior advisor, Jared Kushner, who put an end to Cruz’s chances. “Do you really want the son of the man who helped assassinate JFK on the bench?” asked Kushner. “It’s just not a good look.”

The source also stated that Cruz’s harsh words during the 2016 presidential campaign didn’t sit well with many of Trump’s other advisors.

As you may recall, this is what Cruz said about then-candidate Trump: 

“This man is a pathological liar, he doesn’t know the difference between truth and lies … in a pattern that is straight out of a psychology text book, he accuses everyone of lying.”

For good measure, Cruz also accused Trump of being “utterly amoral,” a “narcissist at a level I don’t think this country’s ever seen” and “a serial philanderer.”

As disappointed as Cruz’s supporters may be, they should take heart … if Trump wins reelection, he may have the opportunity of naming a fourth, or even fifth, justice to the Court.

Word on the street is that, if Trump wins, Clarence Thomas is looking forward to spending more time with his family.

Photo | cnn.com

Filed Under: satire Tagged With: Amy Coney Barrett, Cruz supporters, disappointed, Donald Trump, nominee, satire, supreme court, Ted Cruz

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