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Breaking News … Trump Presidential Library To Be Located In Moscow

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The White House has announced the location of the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library And Arcade. It will occupy the ground floor of the new Trump Moscow Resort and Casino to be built within a stone’s throw of Moscow’s Red Square.

It is being reported that the library will contain all of Mr. Trump’s favorite books, namely the Bible and The Art of the Deal. Trump’s personal collection of Marvel Comics will also be on display.

There will be a food court located in the center of the premises featuring multiple fast food outlets as well as a fun-for-all-ages arcade hall.

One of the library walls will feature a large screen displaying Trump’s voluminous tweets in a continuous loop.

A second wall will be filled with pictures of all the people that worked in the Trump administration who were fired, resigned or imprisoned.

A third wall will be completely covered by photos of all the people, and companies, Trump stiffed over the course of his lifetime.

A fourth wall will contain a long row of exit doors.

Said a White House aide, “Mr. Trump plans to ‘retire’ to Russia and he thought it would be wise to be near his big, beautiful, never-seen-anything-quite-like-it library. It is being predicted the library will become a huge tourist attraction that will give a boost to the Russian economy.”

Sources in the know are saying the entire project will be personally funded by Vladimir V.  Putin.

Photo | rbth.com

Trump Warns Of Dire Consequences If He’s Not Re-Elected … Here’s The Complete List

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As he gears up for his re-election campaign, Donald Trump has warned that the U.S. would experience an epic stock market crash if he were not returned to the White House.

While this unsettling prediction has gotten the bulk of media attention, there are also a few other catastrophes Trump has warned about if a Democrat were to win the presidency in 2020.

Here is a list of what might take place, according to Trump, if a Democrat wins the next presidential election:

  1. Ordering fast food will require a doctor’s note
  2. C-SPAN will be the only TV channel
  3. Bacon will be outlawed
  4. Men will be required to change “doody” diapers
  5. “Merry Christmas” will officially be replaced by “Happy Holidays”
  6. Daily flossing will be mandatory
  7. Americans will be forced to eat five fruits and vegetables per day
  8. Conservatives will be banned
  9. Voters will only be able to cast their ballot if they can correctly name the three branches of government
  10. The Earth will be invaded by space aliens

Some are calling Trump’s warnings irresponsible and outrageous.  Others are saying it’s just Trump being Trump. You know, fear-mongering to juice up his base.

OK, Trump may have gone a little overboard with some of his predictions. It’s highly unlikely we will be invaded by spacemen from Mars … but, really, would it be such a bad thing if everyone flossed each day?

Photo | qz.com

Alabama Zygotes Take Advantage Of New Status

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Having been declared “persons” under Alabama’s newly passed “heartbeat” law, zygotes have begun to utilize their newfound status. They are organizing.

A spokesperson for the zygotes states they have banded together to press Alabama legislators to enact stricter gun control laws. “The zygotes fear they may be the victims of gun violence once they leave the safety of the womb,” said the spokesperson.

Unfortunately, the zygotes lack the necessary funds to successfully lobby lawmakers. Many are applying for social security cards in order to qualify for public assistance. “Most want gainful employment,“ said the spokesperson,” but they haven’t developed any skills. Some cruelly mock the zygotes by pointing out they haven’t developed… period.”

Still the zygotes are thankful for the new law that redefines an “unborn child, child or person” as “a human being, specifically including an unborn child in utero at any stage of development, regardless of viability.”

Zygotes in other states considering “personhood” laws are taking notice. If they get their rights, like their Alabama brothers and sisters, this could have serious implications for gun control efforts and the continued viabilityof the NRA.

Photo | wisegeek.com