Archives for September 2015

Yesterday, former Texas Gov. Rick Perry announced the end of his 2016 presidential campaign at an event in St. Louis, Missouri.

“Unlike my 2012 run, I tried my best this time around,” said the weary-looking Republican. “I studied up real hard on foreign policy, domestic policy, you name it, but it wasn’t good enough.” Perry’s ranking in most national polls never got above 2%.

Perry stated there were three reasons why he was abandoning his quest for the presidency.

“One,” said Perry, “my campaign is flat broke. I just don’t have the guns to go up against the big boys … and girl. I’m not a billionaire like Donald Trump. Two, the whole glasses thing didn’t work. It seemed like a good idea at the time but no one bought that I was smarter than the last go-round. And three, ah, ah, and three…I forgot. Oops!”

Members from the audience tried to help the forgetful Perry by shouting out potential third reasons. “You’re just not presidential material?” someone offered. “You’re just another Texas dim-wit?” was also heard.

After apologizing to the audience for another “oops” moment, Perry observed, “”We have a tremendous field – the best in a generation – so I step aside knowing our party is in good hands, and as long as we listen to the grassroots, the cause of conservatism will be too.”

When Perry was asked if he would be endorsing any of the remaining candidates, he replied coyly, “I may endorse Jeb or Scott or Carly or Marco. I’ll have to wait to see what my handlers tell me.”

Photo | Reuters

In a shocking new MM survey, Donald Trump has come in a distant second in Republican voters’ choice for presidential nominee. The Trump camp immediately dismissed the new polling as an outlier. The most amazing part of this new MM poll is that Trump is losing to a hypothetical candidate!

When asked to choose among the 17 declared Republican candidates plus this new, non-existent candidate, Trump comes in with 27% of the vote to the imaginary candidate’s whooping 51%. Who is this Trump-buster Moron Majority added to the list of candidates? Voters were given the choice of selecting,  “Any Juan other than these Bozos.”

Here are the full results of the MM survey:

“Any Juan other than these Bozos”….51%

Donald Trump….27%

Ben Carson….13%

Carly Fiorina….3%

Jeb Bush….2%

Scot Walker….1%

Ted Cruz….1%

Marco Rubio….1%

John Kasich….1%

Chris Christie….0%

Lindsey Graham….0%

Rick Perry….0%

Rick Santorum….0%

Bobby Jindal….0%

Mike Huckabee….0%

George Pataki….0%

Jim Gilmore….0%

Rand Paul….0%

Surprisingly, the new poll revealed that all factions of the conservative Republican base would embrace the hypothetical candidate. Pundits are predicting the new poll may give Mitt Romney the encouragement needed to make a third try for the presidency.

Editor’s Note: It appears a significant typo was made in formulating the survey. Our apologies.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

You have to hand it to old Dick. When it comes to admitting the Iraq War was one of the biggest blunders of all time, he’s as stubborn as a mule about wearing a suit and tie! To this day, he defends the Iraqi invasion as a “good idea”. Facts simply do not faze the man.

“I was a strong advocate of going into Iraq,” said Cheney during a PBS interview. “I think that was the right decision then, and I still believe that today.”

Cheney has that rare gift of shutting out reality and making the insane seem rational. He is still spinning one of the worst foreign policy debacles in American history into something worthwhile. Here is a list of other man-made disasters and how a wily Cheney would have spun them to make you think otherwise.

Sinking of the Titanic – “The goal of the maiden voyage was to create world-wide excitement and press coverage. I think they accomplished those goals.”

Hindenburg Disaster – “In theory, there is nothing wrong with filling an 800 foot-long balloon with hydrogen. If that guy in first class hadn’t ordered the flaming Baked Alaska, everything would have been fine!”

Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire – “I see nothing wrong with the owners locking the doors to the stairwells and exits. How else are you going to prevent workers from taking unauthorized breaks?”

Deep Water Horizon Oil Spill – “I’m an oil man and I can tell you there is nothing wrong with offshore drilling. Ocean water is liquid, so is oil. What’s the problem?”

Caitlyn Jenner – “ I don’t think he/she looks that bad!

Perhaps Paul Simon had Dick Chaney in mind when he penned this lyric from The Boxer: “The man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest… lie-la-lie …”

Photo | en.wikipedia.org