Archives for November 2015

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie finally made good on his promise to join the majority of states that outlaw bestiality. By signing the bill into law this Monday, animal lovers, in the strict sense, are no longer welcome in the Garden State.

The new law, which goes into effect immediately, makes bestiality a crime punishable by 18 months in jail and a fine of up to $10,000. Penalties could get more severe in cases involving abuse or injury to the animal.

While most New Jerseyans support the governor’s action, not everyone is happy with the new law.

Newton farmer, Bobby Giles, thinks this is just another example of government overreach. “I own my animals and I don’t need some politician to tell me what I can and can’t do in the privacy of my barn,” said Giles. “Plus, this law is a violation of my religious beliefs. Who the hell is Christie to tell me I can’t know my animals ‘in the Biblical sense?’ You know I’ve been a widower for 15 years.”

Asked if he would comply with new law, Giles said, “Not as long as I have this shotgun in my hand!”

On another note, experts are predicting the sale of goats within the state will decline by 35%.

Photo | cambridgevets.co.nz

After the kerfuffle over questions asked by the CNBC moderators at last week’s Republican presidential debate, the Fox Business Network, host of next week’s fourth debate, has made a dramatic concession to the candidates. Mostly at the urging of Sen. Ted Cruz, the debate will be moderated by Fox’s Sean Hannity and, most importantly, candidates will be supplied with debate questions in advance.

Here are some of the questions Hannity plans to ask the candidates:

Sen. Cruz: “Why do you think Democrats like to give away “free stuff?” Are they not just trying to buy votes?

Gov. Christie: “Do you think the bogus “Bridgegate scandal” was blown out of proportion by the liberal media?”

Gov. Bush: “ Why are so many Democrats criticizing your brother’s presidency? Don’t they realize he kept America safe?”

Gov. Kasich: “When you were quoted as having said some of your fellow Republicans in the presidential race were ‘just crazy,’ you were misquoted, weren’t you?

Ms. Fiorina: “ Your record as the successful CEO of Hewlett-Packard has been described by some business leaders as a disaster. This is just envy, isn’t it?”

Sen. Rubio: “ You’ve been attacked as someone who is unable to handle his own personal finances. Isn’t it true, despite your humble beginnings, you were able to fully pay off your student loans in a timely fashion?”

Gov. Huckabee: “Some people say you sell worthless products to a gullible Evangelical base. Don’t you think this is just part of the liberals’ war against religion?”

Dr. Carson: “You say you were asked to run for the presidency by God. Why do so many liberal-communist- atheists have a problem with that?

Sen. Paul: “Why does the liberal media say that you are prone to plagiarism? You write your own material and give credit where credit is due… isn’t that right?

Mr. Trump: “People say many of your buildings were built by immigrant labor. Isn’t it true you pay all your workers well and offer great benefits? And you do not do the actual hiring, isn’t that correct?

The Republican presidential candidates should be more than happy with the new Fox “debate” format.

Photo | telegragh.co.uk

After being stroked, coaxed and cajoled into accepting a job he didn’t want, the new Speaker of the House, Rep, Paul Ryan, is complaining the job “stinks” … literally!

It appears outgoing Speaker, John Boehner, was so addicted to his cigs he could not go outside his office for a smoke, as mandated by federal law. So he smoked up the office inherited by Ryan.

An avid runner and self-described health-nut, the new House Speaker says he cannot put up with the stench. Speaking to NBC’s Chuck Todd of “Meet The Press, “ Ryan said, “They have these ozone machines, apparently, that you can detoxify the environment [with], but I’m going to have to work on the carpeting in here. You know if you got to a hotel room or get a rental car that’s been smoked? That’s what this smells like.”

Upon further inspection of his new digs, Ryan noticed several whiskey stains on the drapes and carpeting. “Looks like I will have to put in for a complete remodel,” said Ryan. “You know cigarette smoke can permeate walls, light fixtures and furniture.”

“I’m sure the taxpayers won’t mind the expense,” Ryan said. “It will me part of a new beginning; a fresh start with a fresh coat of paint, if you will.”

Ryan has gone out of his way to say he will be a different kind of Speaker than Boehner. “I will be more open to the wishes of my caucus but I will not cater to the radical few,” said Ryan. To prove his point, the second thing Ryan did after complaining about the office smell was to announce he would not be working with the White House on immigration reform any time soon; well, at least while Barack Obama is still around.

“Look, I think it would be a ridiculous notion to try and work on an issue like this with a president we simply cannot trust on this issue,” Ryan said. “He tried to go it alone, circumventing the legislative process with his executive orders.”

A small group of House Democrats is floating a petition to have John Boehner personally pay for Ryan’s office renovation. “After all,” said a House member who chose to remain anonymous, “ he broke the law and caused the office to reek. Why should John Q. Public be left holding the bag?”

Considering all the perks the former Speaker will receive upon leaving office, paying for the mess he created would be a small price to pay for violating the “no-smoking” rule, passed in 2008, for all federal buildings.

It appears Ryan is on track to getting the foul smell out of his room. His challenge will be to do the same with the entire House.

 

Photo | alan.com