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Archives for December 2015

Mama Comes To The Aid Of Her Son Jeb

December 28, 2015 by John DeProspo Leave a Comment

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Following Donald Trump’s latest taunt, Barbara Bush has come to the defense of her much-maligned son, Jeb. Trump, on Sunday’s Meet The Press, labeled Jeb “an embarrassment to the Bush family.”

“My son is a good and decent boy. The whole family loves him and is proud of all his accomplishments,” said Mama Bush. “I just thought we, as a country, didn’t need another Bush in the White House.”

Before declaring his run for the Republican presidential nomination, Barbara Bush famously gave Jeb her advice: Don’t. (What’s Wrong With Jeb?) But the offer ($$$$) from the GOP establishment was just too good to pass up. Jeb took the bait.

What the country has discovered over the past seven months is that while Jeb may be the smarter Bush (academically), George W. is by far the more talented Bush (politically). Jeb just doesn’t come across as the type of guy the average Republican voter would want to have a beer with. With Jeb, it would be more about some boring policy discussion.

What Republicans want from their 2016 nominee is the same thing that George and Jerry pitched to the executives at NBC … a show about “Nothing.” Political experience and policy chops just don’t cut it with the current crop of angry, fed-up GOP voters.

In the latest Iowa and New Hampshire polls, Jeb finds himself in fifth place and sixth place, respectively. The distance between Jeb and the front-runner Trump is almost as wide as the distance between Sarah Palin’s Alaska home and her view of Russia.

“Now that Jeb is in the race, my boy is in it to win it,” said a defiant Mama Bush. “We Bushes are firmly behind him. You know, we’re a very competitive bunch. We hate losing, especially to a  low life, degenerate, imbecile carnival barker like Trump!”

If only Jeb had made Mama his campaign manager!

Photo | thecontributor.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: satire

Confident Trump Lining up Cabinet

December 27, 2015 by John DeProspo 11 Comments

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What was once considered unthinkable is looking more than ever of becoming reality. With his commanding lead in all Republican presidential polls, billionaire business and novice politician, Donald Trump, is starting to think about possible cabinet appointees.

In a list made available only to MM, below is the secret lineup of advisers (heads of the fifteen executive departments) a President Trump would look to for guidance.

 

Secretary of State Sarah Palin
Secretary of the Treasury Grover Norquist
Secretary of Defense Sylvester Stallone
Attorney General Judge Judy
Secretary of the Interior Martha Stewart
Secretary of Agriculture Willie Nelson
Secretary of Commerce Sean Combs (P Diddy)
Secretary of Labor Nadya Suleman (Octomom)
Secretary of Health and Human Services Charles Koch
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Steve Wynn
Secretary of Transportation Richard Branson
Secretary of Energy Alex Rodriguez
Secretary of Education Michelle Bachmann
Secretary of Veterans Affairs Ted Nugent
Secretary of Homeland Security Wayne LaPierre

The Trump campaign did admit the job of Secretary of State was a difficult choice between Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann (Secy. of Education). But in the end, Palin’s diplomatic skills, coupled with her command of the English language won her the nod. Said Trump, “I also liked she had experience in international affairs. From her home in Alaska, she could see Russia.”

Photo | slate.com

 

Filed Under: satire

When You Gotta Go … The Making Of Another Clinton Scandal

December 23, 2015 by John DeProspo 2 Comments

 

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Donald Trump recently mocked Hillary Clinton for her late return to the debate stage at last week’s Democratic debate. It was later revealed by the Clinton campaign that Hillary’s bathroom break took longer than expected.

“Where did Hillary go?” Trump asked. “They had to start the debate without her. … I know where she went. It’s disgusting. I don’t want to talk about it.”

What appeared to many as something innocuous has been ratcheted up by Trump into another Clinton scandal: “Peegate.”

At a rally in Grand Rapids, Michigan, Trump elaborated on what he believes may be a disqualifying factor for Hillary: she suffers from female incontinence.

“You see folks, for Hillary it is not just going to the bathroom. It’s that whole Depends thing. You know, the adult diapers many older women wear. It’s a pain to take them off and put on a new one,” said Trump.

“Now, I know she won’t admit it, but to me that disqualifies her for the presidency. Can you imagine a high level meeting with Putin and Hillary has to excuse herself to go change her diaper? Really?” reasoned Trump.

When asked by reporters if he had proof that Hillary wears diapers, Trump said, “Not exactly. That is why I am calling for the release of her complete medical record.”

“If she has nothing to hide, what’s the problem?” asked Trump. “If getting her entire medical record out is too much, a letter from her doctor would be good. Hey, I just released a letter from my guy, Dr. Harold Bornstein.”

Trump’s physician gave Trump a glowing bill of heath, stating Trump’s health was not only good but “amazingly excellent.” Said Bornstein, “If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.”

Will Trump be successful in turning “Peegate” into another Clinton scandal? Time will tell. House Republicans, however, have already expressed their willingness to form another select committee to investigate this latest Clinton “irregularity.”

Image courtesy of Suat Eman at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: satire

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