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Archives for January 2016

GOP: “Now Obama Wants To Take Away Your Cancer!”

January 14, 2016 by John DeProspo 2 Comments

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Obama is at it again! First he took away your right to go without health insurance. Then it was talk of taking away your guns. Now he wants to take away your cancer!

At his final State of the Union address this week, Obama announced a “moonshot” to cure cancer.

“For the loved ones we’ve all lost, for the family we can still save, let’s make America the country that cures cancer once and for all,” said the lame-duck president. Vice-president Joe Biden, whose son Beau died of brain cancer last year, will lead the effort.

Proving once again that Republicans will reflexively oppose any Obama proposal, their criticism was swift and unrelenting.

Presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee, blamed the president for wanting to play god. “If someone is afflicted with cancer, it is God’s will. How dare the president think he can thwart the will of the Almighty!”

Businessman and Republican presidential frontrunner, Donald Trump, attacked Obama’s proposal as a jobs killer. “Do you know how many people rely on cancer for their livelihood? Oncologists, lab technicians, nurses, drug companies, just to name a few. They would be devastated. Republican’s just won’t stand for another Obama power grab.”

One might have thought Obama would have learned his lesson by now. Anything he proposes is verboten. The GOP will simply not agree with, or support, anything that might add to the Obama legacy of significant accomplishments.

“Treating cancer is a business,” said Ted Cruz, echoing Trump’s criticism. “We Republicans are, and will always be, job creators, not job destroyers like those socialist Democrats. We’re not going to let Obama destroy the cancer business like be did  healthcare with his disasterous Obamacare.”

Yes, President Obama should have expected the backlash. But this being the final year of his presidency, he is not concerned. Said the president,“I don’t give a …!”

It appears the only proposal Obama could make that might garner Republican support would be a pay raise for Congress.

Filed Under: satire

Rand Paul To GOP… “Take Your Kids’ Table And …”

January 12, 2016 by John DeProspo 4 Comments

47562001.cachedAfter being left out of this Thursday night’s prime-time lineup by Fox Business Network, Rand Paul announced he will boycott the debate. He said, as a “top-tier” candidate, he was not going to be relegated to the undercard (kids’ table) debate featuring such also-rans as Carly Fiorina, Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum.

“I won’t debate anything that’s not first-tier, because we have a first-tier campaign,” Paul told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer on Monday. “What, all of a sudden I’m chopped liver? I’m’ 100% USDA prime, Wolf.”

“This is an absolute travesty,” a Paul campaign spokesman said. “By any reasonable criteria Senator Paul has a top tier campaign. He will not let the media decide the tiers of this race and will instead take his message directly to the voters of New Hampshire and Iowa,”

So, while Fox airs the next Republican debate, Paul will be out on the hustings in an attempt to lift his slumping poll numbers. “He is determined not to be sent to the ‘kids’ table’ for the next debate, scheduled for January 18, in all-important Iowa,” said the campaign spokesman.

When asked if it were a good idea to skip the Thursday debate, even if it meant being placed with the second-tier candidates, Paul said, “This is all bogus, man, no way would I get between Fiorina, Huckabee or Santorum. I blame RNC chair, Reince Priebus, for this travesty.”

Republican National Committee Chair Reince Priebus said on Fox News that Paul’s anger was misplaced and that he had not even heard from Paul that he would skip the debate. “Rand Paul is ‘a varsity candidate’ that has done very well,” said Priebus,” No one around here considers him a water boy.”

If only more Republican voters felt the same way as Reince then, perhaps, Paul would not be averaging slightly over 2% in Republican national polls.

Photo | thedailybeast.com

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: satire

Fox News … National Security Threat?

January 9, 2016 by John DeProspo 4 Comments

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A group of concerned citizens has petitioned the FCC to require Fox News Channel to include a warning label on all its TV broadcasts.

“We view Fox News as a national security threat many times greater than ISIS. “ said group leader Jason Banks. “Over the past seventeen years, all that the network has done is distort, misinform, and lie to its viewers. We now have a significant portion of our population suffering brain injury. They live in an alternate universe.”

“Fox News is the number one cause for all the division and fear in our country,” added group member Linda Schmidt. “Fox News is not, and never has been, a legitimate news channel.”

The group has accused Fox News of being nothing more than a project by right-wing propagandist Rupert Murdoch and Republican media strategist Roger Ailes to spread disinformation and promote GOP politicians. And they have carried out that mission with a roster of rabidly partisan hosts broadcasting provable lies.

“The reason we have such a sorry group of Republican politicians these days is all because of Fox. Without Fox News there would be no Trump. That a significant group of Americans hate their government and are arming themselves is due to Fox. Yes, Fox is a threat to our national security. They are the preferred news outlet for gun-carrying, paranoid white racists.”

Jason Banks observed, “Fox’s motto, “fair and balanced,” is pure Orwellian genius. A new Gallup poll exposed Fox News for the fraud that it is by finding that instead of being “fair and balanced,” the cable news leader caters to a viewership that is 94% Republican (Fair and balanced exposed). A more truthful slogan, said Banks, would be “misinformation for the unbalanced.”

While the FCC is the watchdog for consumer deception and fraud, the group admits their chances of getting the agency to force Fox News to display a warning label on all its broadcasts are slim. But they refuse to let the network continue to call itself “news.” Said Banks, “They are entertainment, pure and simple. If this isn’t false advertising, then what is?

Here is the proposed warning label:

Fox News is not a news channel. They are registered as an entertainment network. Any correlation between what is said on its “news programs” and the truth is purely coincidental and unintentional. Watching Fox News over an extended period of time can cause a significant loss in IQ points and can turn you into a government-hating, gun-toting, uniformed bigot. Watch Fox at your peril.

Photo | collegehumor.com

Filed Under: satire

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