Archives for February 2016

Jeb Bush is not taking his humiliating defeat for the Republican presidential nomination lying down. He is taking it standing up. Asked what he would do next now that his dream of becoming president of the United States has been crushed, Bush replied… stand up comedy.

“People on the campaign trail seemed to like a lot of the stuff I was saying. They thought it was funny. In fact, after many of my speeches people would routinely come up to me and tell me my candidacy was a joke,” said the former Governor of Florida.” I can’t do what George did, you know, get into painting. I’m not as talented that way.”

When asked if his comedy routine would involve political topics, Jeb replied, “Of course. That’s what I know and love.” Jeb tried out a few jokes he is working on.

“Ted Cruz hurts his arm after falling off his bike. He goes to his doctor and the doctor says he thinks he will need surgery. Cruz says he wants a second opinion. The doctor says, ‘OK, you’re ugly!’ BadaBing!” exclaims Jeb.

“How about this, if Rubio becomes president he might be the first one to ever get proofed at a foreign state dinner. I got a million of ‘em!” said Bush in his best Jimmy Durante.

The plan for Bush is to put together a one-hour routine that he could test out at the many retirement communities in Florida. If he’s successful there, he will take his show on a national tour.

The working title for the tour is, “The ‘Please Clap’ Jeb Bush Tour.”

“Donald Trump’s hotels are so exclusive, Room Service has an unlisted number!” Bush continued. “Ben Carson gave a patient six months to live. The patient said he couldn’t pay. So he gives him another six months.”

Like his big brother, it took public opprobrium for Jeb! to finally find the thing he was most suited for.

If all works out, could a TV comedy series be far behind?

(AP Photo/Jim Cole)

 

 

 

 

 

Within two days, the all-important Democratic Nevada Caucus will take place. In a contest that has gotten increasingly tight, each presidential candidate is reaching out for support wherever he or she may find it.

Now, a group of sex workers calling themselves, “Hookers 4 Hillary,” are trying to arouse interest in Hillary Clinton’s campaign.

The idea of organizing sex workers to support Clinton actually was the brainchild of brothel owner Dennis Hof. “I want the girls to be part of the political process,” said Hof . “We talk about the candidates, and 490 out of 540 ladies decided to support Hillary.”

Hof owns a number of Nevada brothels, including the Moonlight Bunny Ranch and Kit Kat Guest Ranch near Carson City, the Love Ranch Las Vegas and the Alien Cathouse, a space-themed brothel near Area 51.

“We girls are supporting Hillary because we believe she is the presidential candidate most likely to protect Obamacare from being repealed,” said group member Chesty Mae. ‘You know as sex workers healthcare is very important to us.”

In an effort to boost turnout for Hillary, the prostitutes are offering a 25 percent discount to Nevada local customers willing to caucus for the former secretary of state.

“Hookers 4 Hillary” member Candy Kisses, 29, added another reason why the girls chose to support Hillary, “I think Bill Clinton is hot. I would do him free of charge.”

When Ethel Meese, 89, a Sanders supporter at the Happy Valley Retirement Home heard about the hookers trying to stimulate support for Hillary, she formed her own support group for the 74 year old Vermont senator, “Geriatrics for Bernie.”

“We are not too old to get involved in the political process or make it out to the caucuses. We like what Bernie stands for and he is such a handsome young man,” said Meese.

Photo | hookers4hillary.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Following Justice Antonin Scalia’s unexpected passing, his will has been made public by his personal attorney. The bulk of his estate will be split among his wife, children and grandchildren. A small portion of his sizable fortune, estimated at over $50 million, will go to the NRA.

In an unusual move, the late associate justice provided a directive in his will that in the event of his death while still serving on the Court, he wished to have his seat filled by a well-known, but divisive, public figure: Dick Cheney.

Of course Scalia’s wish has no legal or constitutional bearing on who the next justice will be. The sole responsibility for choosing a Supreme Court justice is squarely left to the president.

When informed of Scalia’s wish, Cheney said, “Antonin Scalia was a great man, a true conservative with a brilliant mind. I am honored he would want me to be his successor on the bench. I certainly would consider such a position if it were made available to me.”

President Obama has been rumored to have a short list of potential nominees. It is very unlikely Cheney made the cut. In fact, when informed of Scalia’s wish, Obama was reported as having said something akin to “when hell freezes over.”

Republicans have stated they will oppose any Obama nominee to fill Scalia’s seat. They have promised to not even consider or vote on Obama’s pick.

“The American people‎ should have a voice in the selection of their next Supreme Court Justice. Therefore, this vacancy should not be filled until we have a new President,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky said in a statement.

The Republican strategy assumes a Republican victory in November.

Ted Cruz and Donald Trump, the two frontrunners for the Republican presidential nomination, were asked if they would consider a Cheney appointment.

“Dick Cheney is a great man, a true conservative with a brilliant mind, “ said Cruz. “I would be honored to offer up his nomination to the bench.”

Donald Trump was not so enthusiastic about Dick Cheney as an associate justice. “Isn’t he the guy who pushed Bush into invading Iraq?” asked Trump. “I would prefer nominating someone outside of politics or even the legal profession. I would give serious thought to my good friend, Bill O’Reilly. Great man and a true conservative with a brilliant mind.”

As a Supreme Court justice, Antonin Scalia must have known he had no constitutional power to pick or even suggest his replacement. Many scholars are attributing Scalia’s unusual request to the fact he had been showing signs of Alzheimer’s for the past 10 years.

Photo |  Mark Avery/Orange County Register/ZUMA Press

warning: If you did not realize it, this article is satire! Of course, followers of this blog know that.