Archives for February 2016

As is their custom, Bill and Hillary Clinton celebrated Valentine’s Day with an intimate dinner at their favorite Chappaqua Italian restaurant, Old Stone Trattoria. Unknown to them, their conversation was secretly recorded. Below is a transcript of their discussion:

Hillary – “Bill, I’m scared.”

Bill – “Scared of what, baby?”

Hillary – “I’m afraid it’s going to be 2008 all over again. First Barack, now Bernie.”

Bill – “Now don’t worry. Bernie is no Obama. He’s an old man past his presidential expiration date. You’ll bounce back big in South Carolina. Believe me. Heck, Nate Silver has you up 95% to 5%!”

Hillary – “That’s what scares me. Just look at Nevada. I was up on Bernie 50%-27% just a month ago. Now polls show us tied at 45%. If I lose there next week, what’s going to happen in South Carolina?”

Bill – “You are going to win in Nevada … and South Carolina where Bernie has no chance. Do you think South Carolina voters are going to go for an old Jewish socialist? Really Hill!”

Hillary – “You’re probably right but I just have this sick feeling in my stomach. I can’t shake it.”

Bill – “Here, have some of this pinot noir and relax. No matter what happens with Nevada, you’ve got the black vote sewn up in South Carolina. They love you there.”

Hillary – “Bill, why don’t people everywhere love me? Am I just unlikable?”

Bill – “You’re likeable enough.”

Hillary – “There it is! That’s exactly what Barack said during one of our debates! That’s it! I’m losing because people hate me!”

Bill – “You’ve just got to try some of this rigatoni alfredo. The best!”

Hillary – “Are you listening to what I’m saying? I don’t want to taste your goddamn rigatoni alfredo!”

Bill – “Chill baby, chill. It’s going to be just fine. The whole establishment is pulling for you and Debbie has got your back.”

Hillary – “That’s it. That’s what it is. People just out and out hate me! I’m done. I’m through. I can’t take this. Let’s go!”

Bill – “But honey, not before their world-famous cheesecake!”

That is where the conversation ended. Bill did have enough time to ask for a doggy bag for his pasta and a slice of cheesecake to go.

Photo | radaronline.com

 

 

 

 

After absorbing much criticism after his last debate performance, Marco Rubio is worried. Following his triumphant third place finish in Iowa, there is a real possibility his march towards becoming the Republican establishment favorite may have stalled.

Of course, the candidate will not publically admit to such concern. When asked if he thought his poor debate performance in last Saturday’s debate would affect the vote, Rubio said, “ I do not believe it will hurt me. And let me just say this, I do not believe it will hurt me.”

Rubio’s debate performance was roundly criticized by the media as being “robotic.” He kept repeating the same canned talking points over and over. Some political pundits dubbed Rubio: “Marco Roboto.”

But a little delving into Rubio’s past reveals he is not an automaton at all. While a boy, Rubio had a favorite Uncle who was completely deaf in one ear. By necessity, he would repeat himself in order to make sure he was heard by Uncle Manuel. His campaign staff claims this is just an old habit hard to break.

It is also helpful to know that Rubio likes things that repeat. His online bio reveals his favorite movie is Groundhog Day. He favorite movie character is Jack Torrance, the Overlook Hotel caretaker in The Shining.

Marco Rubio’s fate is now in the hands of New Hampshire voters. Many analysts are saying a finish less than second place would be the end of Rubio’s hope of becoming his party’s nominee.

Rubio is trying to remain upbeat in spite of his debate debacle. “I do not believe it will hurt me,” said the candidate. Again.

Photo | pinterest.com

 

 

Following his resounding third place finish in the Iowa caucus, things are looking up for Marco Rubio. In fact, Rubio was so giddy after the election one might have thought he was the winner.

“So this is the moment they said would never happen,” Rubio said in a speech after the results became clear. “For months, they told us that because we offer too much optimism in a time of anger we had no chance… I will be back in October and September of this year, because when I am our nominee we are going to win Iowa, and we are going to win the election for this country.”

As awesome as his third place finish was, Rubio will not be able to parlay his Iowa success into securing the Republican nomination.

There are a number of reasons why Marco Rubio will never be president. Some roadblocks are already known. His flip-flop on immigration is probably his greatest liability. The man who cosponsored the Senate bill creating a pathway to citizenship for undocumented immigrants now claims he was never for amnesty… or as he now tries to define it, “blanket amnesty.”

Rubio’s Senate attendance record is also a big problem. According to a recent report conducted by vocativ.org and GovTrack.us, Rubio is the senator “least likely to show up for work” – missing 99 of 1,198 votes over four years. That gives him an absentee rate of 8.2%. By comparison, the Senate average is 2.01%.

On climate change, Rubio is what’s best described as an equivocator. He still believes there is reasonable doubt on the issue even though 97.1% of scientists have “endorsed the consensus position that humans are causing global warming”

As bad as these well-known hurdles are for Rubio, there is one small, personal, previously un-reported fact that will surely disqualify him in the minds of Republican voters.

While a struggling law student at the University of Miami School of Law, in order to make ends meet, Rubio worked as a male dancer at a local Chippendales.

Knowing that someday he might enter politics, Rubio, always the cleaver one, performed under the pseudonym “Buck Naked.”

Photo | fusion.net

Now don’t get your panties in a bunch, it’s satire folks!