Archives for March 2016

On the heels of the controversial approval received from David Duke, the former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard, Donald Trump has just secured the endorsement of Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi.

“I like Trump,” said Soup Nazi. “He is a man who is not afraid to tell people where to go, especially when they get out of line.”

The decision to back Trump was an easy one for Soup Nazi.

“Like me, Trump is a perfectionist,” said the man whose passion for quality soups is unparalleled. “He shows class in everything he does, from the skyscrapers he builds to the women he marries. Have you seen anyone with a more perfect body than Melania?”

To show how much of a supporter he is, Soup Nazi has created a new soup in honor of Trump.

“I thought very hard about what kind of soup to make,” said Soup Nazi. “I decided to go with a variation of Chinese bird’s nest soup. You know, to honor what’s on his head. I will call it ‘Trump nest soup.”

Asked to comment on his latest endorsement, Trump said he was not familiar with Soup Nazi or his award-winning soups.

“Frankly, I’m not much of a soup guy,” said Trump.

When questioned whether it is wise to accept the endorsement of someone who goes by the offensive name of Soup Nazi, especially in light of the uproar created when he did not immediately reject the support of the white supremacist, David Duke, Trump replied, “ Sure, why wouldn’t I? Some of my best friends are great chefs.”

Not missing a beat, Trump’s main opponent in the race, Ted Cruz, has already prepared a misleading ad that will run in the upcoming primary states. The commercial boldly proclaims, “Trump endorsed by Nazi!” The Cruz camp believes the ad will be particularly effective in Florida, which holds its primary March 15^th.

Informed of the false negative ad about to be unleashed against Trump, Soup Nazi became enraged.

Said Soup Nazi, “You can tell that lying, Cuban-Canadian Senor Cruz, no soup for you!’

Photo | seinfeld.wikia.com

Much like Seinfeld’s George Costanza in the “shrinkage” episode, Donald Trump believes his manhood is being short-changed. If you recall, Jerry’s girlfriend, Rachel, literally caught George with his pants down after he swam in a cold pool. Of course, there was significant “shrinkage.”

George asks Jerry if women know about shrinkage because he’s afraid Rachel will tell his never-having-slept-with girlfriend, Jane, about his frightened turtle.

If Rachel “thinks that’s me she’s under a complete misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me,” laments George.

Of course Rachel shares her observation with Jane who suddenly tells George she must get back to the city and cut short the Hamptons weekend.

“I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be… and more,” says George.

“I’m sure it is,” responds Jane.

“Look, you don’t understand. There was shrinkage,” pleads George.

On national TV, during the last Republican presidential debate, Trump responded to Marco Rubio’s accusation that he has small hands … and you know what they say about men with small hands!

“Look at these hands,” said Trump, hands raised, “are they small hands? And he (Rubio) referred to my hands, if they’re small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee it.”

A group of Rubio supports are demanding that Trump back up his guarantee. They are calling upon RNC chairman, Reince Priebus, to measure Trump’s manhood “so that this whole controversy can be put behind us.”

The issue of penis size has become a hot topic lately with the revelation that Adolf Hitler had a micro-penis. While Trump’s rhetoric has been compared to that of the Fuhrer, he certainly does not want to be seen as Hitler-like in the endowment area.

Don’t be surprised if Trump, in the next few days, releases a medical report from his personal doctor, Harold N. Bornstein, attesting to the large size of his schlong.

Asked whether the RNC chairman will cooperate with the Rubio camp’s demand for verification, a spokesman for Reince Priebus said he would not be touching on this subject.

And so, as with all of his guarantees, we will just have to take Trump at his word.

Update – Following his assertion that he is well-endowed, a new movement has sprung up. This is Yuge! The movement, aptly named after a movement demanding proof of Obama’s US Citizenship, is called the “Girther” movement! People are demanding proof as to whether Trump measures up. A doctor’s note won’t do.

Photo | linkedin.com

 

Following his big win in the Nevada caucus, Trump thanked his many supporters. He made it a point to highlight how broad-based his support is.

“We won with young. We won with old,” said Trump. “ We won with highly educated. We won with poorly educated. I love the poorly educated. We’re the smartest people; we’re the most loyal people.”

“When Donald Trump said he won with the poorly educated, many people mistakenly assumed he was talking about our group, “ said Horace Brumble, president of The Mentally Challenged of America, Inc. “We wanted to clear this up by formally coming out with our own endorsement.”

“Our group is not made up of the poorly educated,” said Brumble, “We are instead a coalition of clinically diagnosed morons, imbeciles, dimwits, idiots and ignoramuses.”

“We strongly believe in Donald Trump and our members vote wherever they are legally allowed to,” Brumble said. “We believe Donald Trump will fight for our right to vote in every state of the Union. Right now we are just another discriminated against minority.”

The MCA endorsement comes on the heals of the controversial endorsement of David Duke, a white nationalist and former Klu Klux Klan grand wizard, who said voting for anyone besides Donald Trump “is really treason to your heritage.”

Many in the media criticized Trump for not renouncing Duke’s endorsement.

“Look,” said Trump, “we are a big tent movement. We welcome one and all. As Republicans we need to grow the party. And to be perfectly honest with you, I do not know David Duke or what he stands for. I can’t help it if someone wants to support me.”

“Of all the candidates in the race, we believe Trump understands us best,” Brumble went on to say.” We know we’re not smart. But we know what love is. And our members just love Mr. Trump.”

It is hard to imagine Trump not winning his party’s nomination with such a wide and disparate group of supporters.

Photo | telegraph.co.uk