Archives for March 2018

Trump Looking To Add Vincent Gambini To Legal Team

March 22, 2018 by John DeProspo Leave a Comment

Within hours after the resignation of John Dowd as his lead lawyer in the FBI Special Counsel investigation, Donald Trump has asked Vincent LaGuardia Gambini to join his legal team.

Yes, Vincent Gambini is a fictional character played by Joe Pesci in the movie, “My Cousin Vinny.” This does not matter to Trump.

“Aren’t lawyers just frustrated actors?” questioned Trump.

“I need an aggressive lawyer like Vinny who will fight for me like he did for those two New York boys falsely accused of murder at the ‘Sac-O-Suds’,” said the 45^th president of the United States. “Yes, I know Joe was just acting a part. What do you think I’m doing?”

“Vinny’s a great lawyer, believe me,” said Trump. “If he can fool Judge Herman Munster, he can more than handle Mueller.”

Asked if Vinny (Pesci) has accepted his offer, Trump said, “ No, not yet. But Gambinis are proud people. They believe in seeing justice done. Nobody, I mean nobody, pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini.”

Photo | women.com

Russian Voters Anxiously Await Final Election Results

March 18, 2018 by John DeProspo Leave a Comment

Even though strongman, and former KGB spy, Vladimir Putin, has been declared the overwhelming winner of today’s presidential election, many Russians are still concerned.

No, not of Putin’s victory but of his winning vote count.

The Central Election Commission announced Putin’s victory three minutes after voting “officially” ended. With around 80 percent of the ballots counted, Putin has received approximately 75% of the vote.

Despite reports of ballot-box stuffing and forced voting, it does not appear Putin will match the results of other autocrats who routinely win by incredible margins.

In 2014, North Korea’s state media confirmed Kim Jong-un was the proud recipient of 100% of the country’s vote.

If Putin does not receive at least 90% of the vote, some Russians believe they will have an angry comrade on their hands.

“This would be a big blow to our commandant’s ego after all he did to drive up the vote count,” said one voter who refused to give her name. “Things may not be so good for us if the numbers don’t go up.”

“There could be a cutback in our vodka rations,” said the worried voter.

Asked if she voted for Putin out of her own free will, the voter shook her head. “Nyet, I was offered a free pizza.”

Putin, 65, who has been in power, either as president or prime minister, since 2000 won another six year term.

“He is a strong leader,” said another voter who described himself as an enthusiastic supporter. “He will crush his enemies like a foot on an ant.”

“Look what he’s done to the U.S.,” he added. “Because of our commander’s genius, those ignorant Americans are now stuck with a moron as president. Yes, it cost us many rubles, but it was worth it.”

As of this writing, Putin had not yet received his congratulatory call from Donald Trump.

No doubt Trump will do so as soon as he finishes today’s round of golf.

Photo | standardmedia.co.ke

Stormy Daniels Threatened With Physical Harm … Mob Style

March 16, 2018 by John DeProspo Leave a Comment

The Stormy Daniels story has taken a dangerous turn. According to her lawyer, Michael Avenetti, Daniels has started to receive threats of “physical harm” if she spills the beans about her affair with Donald Trump.

At a hastily gathered news conference, Avenetti played a threatening message left on Ms. Daniels’ answering machine.

“Hey, Stormy. Those are two nice knockers you have there. Would be a shame if something were to happen to them” said the caller.

Avenetti immediately contacted the FBI. According to a person familiar with the agency’s investigation, the call has already been successfully traced to its source… the White House!

Asked about this shocking turn of events, Trump called the whole thing” fake news.”

“I know nothing about this,” said Trump. “And who would threaten to harm those two gorgeous knockers.”

It looks as if Trump’s big mouth, and lack of forethought, might have gotten him in a world of trouble once again. According to the FBI source, no one revealed to Trump the actual contents of the recorded message!

A coincidence?

Photo | nydailynews.com