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Archives for December 2019

Trump Christmas Gift To Melania? Chia Pet

December 26, 2019 by John DeProspo Leave a Comment

Just one day before Christmas, Donald Trump revealed he had not yet bought a present for the First Lady.

During a Christmas Eve video conference call to troops stationed overseas, when asked by a soldier what gift he had gotten Melania, Trump confessed he had not gotten her anything … yet:

“That’s a tough question …. I got her a beautiful card. … A lot of love. We love our family, and we love each other. We’ve had a great relationship, hopefully like you do with your spouses. … I’m still working on a Christmas present. There’s a little time left. Not much, but a little time left.”

It was widely speculated Trump did not buy Melania a gift. 

Trump has previously acknowledged his shortcomings in finding gifts for his wife. You may recall, in a Fox interview in 2018, Trump admitted he only gifted a “beautiful card” to his wife for her birthday.

Naturally, everyone thought Trump had stiffed Melania again.

But not so fast! News filtered out of the White House today that Trump did indeed buy Melania a Christmas present… a Chia Pet!

We’ve all been there. You wait until the last minute to buy a Christmas present when you suddenly realize all the good stuff has sold out. So, what do you buy? Yep, that good old-fashioned staple … Ch-Ch-Ch Chia!

In a strange twist, Trump bought Melania a Chia Pet of himself … it being the only product style to not have completely sold out at the Walmart where Trump had shopped.

Photo | Chia.com

Filed Under: satire Tagged With: Chia Pet, Christmas, Donald Trump, First Lady, gift, Melania, present, satire

Trump Calls For Investigation Of Impeachment Vote

December 20, 2019 by John DeProspo Leave a Comment

Alleging foul play, Donald Trump is asking for an investigation of the electronic voting system used in the House of Representatives.

White House sources say Trump believes the only way he could have lost the House vote is for hacking to have occurred. In fact, these same sources say Trump was “shellshocked” when he learned the impeachment vote went against him.

“All my top people told me Nancy didn’t have the votes to impeach,” Trump tweeted today. “This is 100% VOTER FRAUD!”

“Why doesn’t the House take votes like the Senate?” questioned Trump. “Very fishy.”

It should be noted that, unlike the Senate where votes are recorded by roll call, electronic voting is unique to the House due to the fact it is four times larger than the Senate.

One aide, who asked for anonymity, said that when asked what proof he had for his allegation, Trump snapped, “I don’t need proof. I have Barr!”

It has been confirmed that Trump’s Attorney General, William Barr, will be opening an investigation into the alleged hacking of the House voting system. He is expected to hire Kaspersky Lab, a cyber security firm headquartered in Moscow, to handle the probe.

Photo | propublica.org

Filed Under: satire Tagged With: Donald Trump, electronic voting system, fraud, hacking, House, impeachment, investigation, satire, William Barr

Senate Impeachment Trial To Air Pay-Per-View

December 14, 2019 by John DeProspo Leave a Comment

It has been announced that the upcoming impeachment trial of Donald J. Trump in the United States Senate will be available pay-per-view worldwide.

The mother of all pay-per-view events will be coordinated by Vince McMahon, an icon of pay-per-view promotions and a longtime friend of Trump.

“The proceeds from the event will go directly to the U.S. Treasury,” said McMahon. “We expect this spectacle will singlehandedly wipe out our national debt.”

The U.S. House of Representatives is expected next week to vote on, and pass, the two articles of impeachment approved by the House Judiciary Committee yesterday.

Photo | businessinsider.com

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Donald Trump, impeachment, pay-per-view, Senate, trial, Vince McMahon

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