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House Approves Measure Calling For Gun Labeling … “Shoot Responsibly”

February 23, 2018 by John DeProspo 1 Comment

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After the latest mass shooting in Parkland, Florida, Congress has finally gotten serious about gun safety legislation. In a vote of 218-217, the House of Representatives, by the slimmest margin, yesterday passed a bill that would mandate all guns sold in the United States carry the warning: “Shoot Responsibly.”

Rep. Earl Scruggs (R-TN) hailed the vote as a much needed first step in making gun owners aware that with their unalienable right to bear arms comes the obligation to use their weapon appropriately. The admonition must be affixed to all packaging containing a weapon, from the smallest handgun to the largest assault rifle.

“What this tells the gun-consuming public,” said Scruggs, “is that it’s OK to use your gun for hunting, for target practice and self defense, but not to shoot up a movie theater, a nightclub or a school.”

Scruggs, who can up with the idea after watching a Heineken commercial encouraging consumers to “drink responsibly,” knew he was on to something that could pass the House.

”It took a lot of arm-twisting but we were finally able to get bipartisan agreement on my bill,” said Scruggs. “I know some people say this will not solve the problem of gun violence in our country, but it’s a start.”

For those old enough to remember, Earl Scruggs was a member of Nancy Reagan’s task force in the 1980’s war against drugs. Scruggs was credited with coming up with the highly successful campaign “Just say NO!”

The NRA, taken by surprise by the bill’s passage, has not yet weighed in on whether it will support the legislation. A spokesperson has indicated the gun group may agree to the labeling “depending on the size of the print.”

Asked for comment, Donald Trump said he would be happy to sign the bill if it ever gets to his desk.

“I am all for people using their guns responsibly,” said Trump. “You know, something like this, along with training and arming teachers, will go a long way in making our schools, and country, safer.”

The fate of a similar bill being introduced in the Senate remains uncertain.

Photo | Official White House Photo by Lawrence Jackson

 

Filed Under: satire Tagged With: gun regulation, Guns, House of Representatives, legislation, new law, Parkland Florida, satire, shoot responsibly

Trump Miffed … Mueller Still Getting Paycheck

January 21, 2018 by John DeProspo Leave a Comment

Donald Trump finally got the government shutdown he wanted. But to his shock and dismay, this does not put the Mueller investigation on ice.

The Justice Department has confirmed that employees in Mueller’s office are exempt from the shutdown and can continue investigating any possible collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia. His office is not funded through the regular congressional appropriations process.

So, the probe Trump continues to call a “witch-hunt” and a “hoax” lives on even as other government functions come to an end.

“There is something very wrong with our government if I can shut it down and people still keep getting paid … they still go on with their work,” Trump told a group of reporters.

Anonymous White House sources have confirmed that Trump believed a government shutdown would end Mueller’s investigation without him having to fire the FBI special prosecutor.

“I am going to get to the bottom of this,” Trump added. “How is this possible? No doubt Crooked Hillary is involved with this.”

Perhaps someone on Trump’s staff might school him on how special counsel investigations are funded.

Trump would learn that special counsel investigations are funded by a separate “permanent indefinite appropriation” established by the Department of Justice Appropriation Act of 1988 to pay for “investigations and prosecutions by independent counsels.” In other words, Congress has already passed the appropriations bill that funds this probe, so no one’s salary is stuck in the Treasury—there is nothing preventing Mueller’s team from going to work and getting paid.

Shorting after hearing the bad news, Trump did what he does best … went golfing.

Photo | rantt.com

Satire Alert!!!

Filed Under: satire Tagged With: collusion, Donald Trump. Robert Mueller, FBI investigation, funding, investigation, satire, shutdown, special counsel, trump Russia

Donald Trump Is, Like, Really Really Smart!

January 6, 2018 by John DeProspo 1 Comment

His alma mater must be so proud!

Donald Trump tweeted today: “Actually, throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart.”

No doubt Trump’s “smartness” was shaped by the great college education he received at the University of Pennsylvania. In fact, Trump proudly tells people he graduated at the top of his class.

But with all the fine courses Donald Trump undoubtedly took at UPenn, English could not have been part of his curriculum.

When someone says they are “like” something, they are not actually that thing. They are merely imitating or mimicking that thing.

If Trump wanted to say he is a really smart person, he should have said, “I am a really smart person.” Throw in the modifier “like”, well, he’s actually saying he is not really a smart person.

But grammar aside, Donald Trump did go on to tweet he is a genius.

I went from VERY successful businessman, to top T.V. Star…to President of the United States (on my first try). I think that would qualify as not smart, but genius….and a very stable genius at that!

Yes, we have a genius in the White House … even though he may not be the best grammarian.

This is so refreshing after eight years of that dullard Obama!

Photo | madmagazine.com

 

Filed Under: satire Tagged With: Donald Trump, genius, grammar, like, not really smart, really smart, University of Pennsylvania

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