A group of loyal Donald Trump supporters, otherwise known as “sheeple*,” recently penned a manifesto outlining why they are supporting the real estate mogul turned reality TV personality turned major political star.

Here is the document:

WE THE PEOPLE of the United States in order to make this country great again hereby pledge our unwavering support for Donald J. Trump for president of the United States. The reasons for our strong support are as follow:

1. He is not a politician. Because he has not been corrupted by political experience, he is the one who can lead our nation at this difficult time in its history.
2. He is not beholden to Big Money. Because he has his own money, and is a billionaire, he cannot be bought. He doesn’t need any more money.
3. He will build a huge wall. Because he is a builder, he will erect the highest wall ever built and make Mexico pay for it.
4. He will keep Muslims out of the country. Because we do not know who the terrorists and non-terrorists are, he will keep all Muslims out.
5. He will bring back jobs. Because he is a great businessman and negotiator, he will convince companies that left the United States for foreign countries to come back.
6. He does not care about political correctness. Because he is not a politician, he will level with the American people by telling it like it is.
7. He will rebuild the military. Because he is a strong leader, he will strengthen our military and defeat ISIS by taking away its oil fields.
8. He will get rid of Obamacare. Because he wants all Americans to have healthcare, he will repeal Obamacare and replace it with something which he will tell us about after he is elected.
9. He will deport all 11.5 million illegal immigrants. Because most illegal immigrants are criminals, he will round them up and send them home. They have no rights because they are illegal.
10. He is against gun control. Because he is a staunch defender of the second amendment, he will not sign any law that will regulate or limit our Constitutional right. He knows guns are an intrinsic part of the American identiy.

While this article is tongue-in-cheek, every reason listed in this fake manifesto for supporting Trump is real!

Photo | businessinsider.com

*People unable to think for themselves. Followers. Lemmings. Those with no cognitive ablilities of their own.” – urbandictionary.com

 

“Bill,” exclaimed an excited Donald Trump in a phone call to his good friend and political advisor, Bill Clinton, “I think I found the answer!” Trump was referring to his last conversation with the former president about how to sabotage his campaign. (Bill Clinton’s 3 AM Phone Call)

“ I just lost Wyoming and Washington D.C., big time.” said Trump referring to his losses in the two latest nominating contests. “The pundits are saying it was all because of the violence at my rallies.”

“Good work,” said Clinton. “I had a feeling all the uproar was going to cost you. But, hey, I thought that whole David Duke, KKK thing would hurt you too.”

“Hurt me?” said Trump. “My numbers went up! My pea-brain followers were loving that I didn’t diss Duke by renouncing his support … well, at least up front.”

“I’m being hit by all sides for not trying to stop the mayhem,” added Trump. “Get this, even Rubio and Kasich now say they may reconsider their support for me as the nominee because of all the chaos!”

“I got to hand it to you, buddy, I thought you telling your numskulls not to worry about attacking protesters because you’d pay their legal bills was genius.”

“Yea, my campaign people are pretty smart,” said Trump. “They also came up with how, in the old days, protesters were taken out on stretchers.”

“Well, we will see if this works for you on Tuesday,” said Clinton.

On March 15, primaries will be held in the big states of Florida and Ohio, along with Illinois. Missouri and North Carolina. Trump victories in all or most of these high stakes winner-take-all contests could make the real estate mogul, turned TV reality star, turned politician essentially unstoppable.

“Don’t get your hopes up too high,” cautioned Clinton. “You just might do very well. With your crazy dimwit followers you never know.”

Proving once again Clinton is a master at understanding the political landscape, there have been reports that many Trump followers believe the violence at Trump rallies is the handiwork of the GOP. Distrust of the Republican establishment is so high that some Trump supporters think the protestors popping up at Trump rallies are Republican plants.

Some supporters are now blaming the recent unrest in Chicago on supporters of Bernie Sanders – “Bernie’s crowd,” as Trump sneered in his speech – and the Black Lives Matter movement, which frequently protests Trump events.

“You’re right, Bill,” said Trump. “As they say, que sera sera. I do keep thinking of that George Carlin line, tough: “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

“Cheer up,” said Clinton, “ You might get schlonged by the two Cubans. Eight a.m. tee time Saturday, right?”

Photo | socialnewswatch.com

On the heels of the controversial approval received from David Duke, the former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard, Donald Trump has just secured the endorsement of Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi.

“I like Trump,” said Soup Nazi. “He is a man who is not afraid to tell people where to go, especially when they get out of line.”

The decision to back Trump was an easy one for Soup Nazi.

“Like me, Trump is a perfectionist,” said the man whose passion for quality soups is unparalleled. “He shows class in everything he does, from the skyscrapers he builds to the women he marries. Have you seen anyone with a more perfect body than Melania?”

To show how much of a supporter he is, Soup Nazi has created a new soup in honor of Trump.

“I thought very hard about what kind of soup to make,” said Soup Nazi. “I decided to go with a variation of Chinese bird’s nest soup. You know, to honor what’s on his head. I will call it ‘Trump nest soup.”

Asked to comment on his latest endorsement, Trump said he was not familiar with Soup Nazi or his award-winning soups.

“Frankly, I’m not much of a soup guy,” said Trump.

When questioned whether it is wise to accept the endorsement of someone who goes by the offensive name of Soup Nazi, especially in light of the uproar created when he did not immediately reject the support of the white supremacist, David Duke, Trump replied, “ Sure, why wouldn’t I? Some of my best friends are great chefs.”

Not missing a beat, Trump’s main opponent in the race, Ted Cruz, has already prepared a misleading ad that will run in the upcoming primary states. The commercial boldly proclaims, “Trump endorsed by Nazi!” The Cruz camp believes the ad will be particularly effective in Florida, which holds its primary March 15^th.

Informed of the false negative ad about to be unleashed against Trump, Soup Nazi became enraged.

Said Soup Nazi, “You can tell that lying, Cuban-Canadian Senor Cruz, no soup for you!’

Photo | seinfeld.wikia.com