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Trump “Concession” Speech Leaked

November 19, 2020 by John DeProspo 1 Comment

White House sources have revealed Trump is prepared to give his concession speech … soon. 

Below is the leaked copy:

Four years ago, we won a huge victory against Crooked Hillary, with the biggest electoral college win since Ronald Reagan. On my inauguration day, we witnessed something so beautiful … the largest presidential inauguration crowd in history.

And over the past four years we’ve gotten so much done … more than any other administration. So much winning! We won on the military, we won on taxes, we won on the economy, we won on unemployment, we won on trade deals, we won on deregulation, we won on religion, we won on the wall and we won against the China virus.

And now, after a rigged election, people say I should congratulate Sleepy Joe Biden and concede. But how do you concede when all the courts are saying the election was stolen from us through voter fraud? My attorney, Rudy Giuliani, a big baseball fan, keeps saying “it ain’t over ‘til it’s over.” That’s why we’re fighting so hard for democracy, the rule of law and our Constitution.

If you count only the legal votes, there is no doubt I won. Remember when the fake news media said Hillary got three million more votes than me? If you didn’t count the votes of all those illegal Mexican criminals and rapists in California, I got more votes. Now they say Sleepy Joe got six million more votes than me? More fraud, more fake news.

But even though this election was totally unfair, I have decided to leave the White House on January 20. 2021. 

I am hereby announcing my candidacy for president in 2024. I will continue to hold many, many big beautiful rallies.

Our new slogan will be “Make America Great Again … All Over Again” 

I am also using the vast powers given me by Article 2 of the Constitution to pardon myself, my friends and my family of any and all potential crimes, from the start of time to infinity.

So, to all patriotic Americans, stand back and stand by until I’m back in your House in four years.

Photo | politico.com

Filed Under: satire Tagged With: 2020, concession speech, Donald Trump, election, leaked, satire

Joe, It’s Not Too Late … Agree To More Debates!

October 16, 2020 by John DeProspo 1 Comment

Conventional political wisdom has it that the frontrunner in an election wants fewer debates, while the underdog always wants more. So, this summer, when the Trump campaign floated the idea of more debates (over and above the three already agreed to), Biden did the predictable thing … he rejected the offer.

But, as we all know, there is nothing conventional when it comes to Donald Trump. 

As the first presidential debate showed, Trump is his own worst enemy. Many commentators described that first debate as “the worst ever,” thanks mainly to Trump’s obnoxious antics.

And now we’ve had a town hall where Trump, once again, did little to improve his standing among voters … thanks, in part, to the skillful moderating by Savannah Guthrie.

Another tidbit of political wisdom is that, while debates may draw viewers, they rarely change minds.

But with Trump, we may have that rare exception!

Many pundits agree that Trump was the clear loser in both “debates.” They believe he not only failed to improve his electoral chances, but he was so off-putting that he actually may have hurt his odds of winning reelection.

So, go ahead Joe, agree to more “debates” … as many as Trump wants! You’re free tomorrow night, right?

More of Trump’s objectionable shtick can only sway more undecided voters to your camp, Joe, and may even peel off some soft Republican support.

Just one caveat, Mr. Vice President. Any debates you agree to, insist that they are moderated by Savannah Guthrie!

Photo | abcnews.go.com

Filed Under: observations Tagged With: Donald Trump, Joe Biden, more debates, presidential debates, worst debate

Fox News Awards Chris Wallace Combat Pay

September 30, 2020 by John DeProspo Leave a Comment

For his heroic performance moderating last night’s first presidential debate, Fox News has awarded its star reporter, Chris Wallace, combat pay.

The bonus rewards Wallace for having survived what many are calling the mother of all contests – the “presidential debate” between Donald Trump and Joe Biden.

Throughout the night, Wallace bravely withstood a barrage of incoming fire from Donald Trump who repeatedly criticized him, while interrupting Biden every chance he got.

Things got so heated that Wallace was forced to remind Trump just who was in control of the debate. 

“Mr. President, I’m the moderator of this debate and I’d like you to let me ask my questions,” Wallace said.

Unfortunately for Wallace, his brave performance was not appreciated by all. Many of Trump’s most ardent supporters accused him of favoring Biden by having the audacity of cutting Trump off mid-rant, trying to steer the conversation back to the topic at hand.

Close associates of Mr. Wallace are concerned that the brutal experience may leave him a victim of PTSD.

Photo |foxnews.com

Filed Under: satire Tagged With: Chris Wallace, combat pay, Fox News, presidential debate, satire

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