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We Did It!

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Congrats fellow Americans, we did it again! After a nail-biting election, President Trump is here to save us all! Forget the naysayers and pundits—we the people have spoken. And boy, do we have our guy back: Donald J. Trump, ready to right all wrongs with one sweep of his seven iron… or maybe a Sharpie? Either way, his master plans are already in motion! Like God created the world in seven days, Trump will fix our broken nation in the same amount of time. Here is his agenda for the first week he’s back in the White House:

Day One: Inflation Cured

Yes, it’s happening. On Day One, the economy will be absolutely booming. Inflation? Gone! Like magic. Who needs “fiscal policy” or “monetary adjustments”? Not us! Trump’s gonna waltz into the Oval Office, declare inflation un-American, and poof—your grocery bill is back to 1999 prices. Everyone gets an instant raise, and gas is practically free! 

Day Two: All Wars Ended by Lunchtime

Buckle up, global chaos, because on Day Two, Trump’s tackling all wars. Ukraine, Gaza, you name it—it’s over. With a trademark mix of charisma and “deal-making prowess,” he’ll just call Putin, Zelensky, and the rest for a lunch at Mar-a-Lago. Who could resist? By the time dessert is served, peace will reign. Expect lots of handshakes, photo ops, and some kind of commemorative “Trump World Peace” merch by sundown.

Day Three: Deporting All the “Bad Hombres”

On Day Three, our borders will be secure again. Trump’s going to deport every undocumented immigrant overnight. How? He’ll just point at the border and say, “Go home!” and voilà, problem solved! Who will step up to pick crops and staff essential services after that, you ask? Americans! Hard-working folks just waiting to get back to basics and—oh, wait, you don’t want that job? Well, somebody’s gotta do it. I’m sure it’ll all work out.

Day Four: The Great Rebuild

Repairing and revitalizing our nation’s physical infrastructure will get supercharged! Trump will personally make all the potholes disappear and build beautiful bridges, each bearing his name in gold letters, of course! No need to bother with funding or blueprints; he’ll just call in a “tremendous” team and wave his hands. Expect state-of-the-art highways, glowing in neon like the Vegas strip.

Day Five: Healing the Divided Nation

On Day Five, President Trump will bring us all together. Gone are the days of “us versus them.” Trump’s got a unifying spirit—and he’s going to make sure everyone agrees with him! If you don’t, well, there’s always social media bans and friendly suggestions to move to Canada. Because in Trump’s America, everyone’s happy… or at least says they are!

Day Six: Making America Safe (Especially for Women!)

Day Six is all about safety. Trump’s going to make America the safest country on earth, particularly for women. You heard right—crime rates will plummet, not just because he says so, but because he’ll install Trump Security Towers on every street corner. Forget police departments, we’re talking 24/7 live-streamed Trump Protection Squads ready to swoop in with unbelievable “Tremendous Law and Order.” 

Day Seven: Solving Global Warming

Finally, on Day Seven, Trump will tackle climate change head-on—with a revolutionary approach. How? Simple: we just won’t talk about it anymore. If we never mention “global warming,” “climate change,” or any “scary weather stuff,” the problem is basically solved. Can’t have a crisis if it’s not in the headlines, right?

So, here’s to the new era, America. We’ve finally got the guy back who’s going to make everything right again in just seven days. After all, what could possibly go wrong?

Republicans Sound The Alarm: Harris Administration Could Threaten to Pass Laws Most Americans Actually Want

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Republican Party has entered full-blown panic mode amid growing fears that a Kamala Harris administration might attempt to pass legislation that aligns with the will of the majority of Americans.

“We’re facing an unprecedented threat,” said Senator Mitch McConnell, wiping sweat from his brow. “Imagine waking up one morning to find that the government has passed common-sense gun control measures that 80% of the country supports! It’s a nightmare scenario.”

Indeed, the thought of the U.S. Senate actually functioning as a body that reflects public opinion has sent shockwaves through conservative circles. Republican strategists warn that Harris, known for her disturbing habit of listening to experts and acknowledging facts, might push for policies that could actually improve the lives of everyday Americans.

“They’re talking about protecting a woman’s right to make decisions about her own body,” said Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, with a look of sheer horror. “Next thing you know, they’ll be trying to ensure that everyone has access to affordable healthcare. Where does it end?”

Worried that such popular measures might weaken their brand, the GOP has already begun preparing for the worst. Plans are reportedly in place to filibuster any legislation that smacks of progress or equity. “We’ve got to draw a line in the sand,” McConnell added. “If we don’t stand up now, the next thing you know, they’ll be enacting climate policies that could slow global warming. This could lead to a future where our grandchildren can still recognize the seasons. It’s terrifying.”

As the 2024 election looms, Republican leaders are urging their base to stay vigilant. “Remember, this is about stopping a radical, leftist, socialist agenda that includes the things most Americans say they want in poll after poll,” said Senator Ted Cruz. “We can’t let democracy get in the way of our vision for America.”