WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Republican Party has entered full-blown panic mode amid growing fears that a Kamala Harris administration might attempt to pass legislation that aligns with the will of the majority of Americans.

“We’re facing an unprecedented threat,” said Senator Mitch McConnell, wiping sweat from his brow. “Imagine waking up one morning to find that the government has passed common-sense gun control measures that 80% of the country supports! It’s a nightmare scenario.”

Indeed, the thought of the U.S. Senate actually functioning as a body that reflects public opinion has sent shockwaves through conservative circles. Republican strategists warn that Harris, known for her disturbing habit of listening to experts and acknowledging facts, might push for policies that could actually improve the lives of everyday Americans.

“They’re talking about protecting a woman’s right to make decisions about her own body,” said Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, with a look of sheer horror. “Next thing you know, they’ll be trying to ensure that everyone has access to affordable healthcare. Where does it end?”

Worried that such popular measures might weaken their brand, the GOP has already begun preparing for the worst. Plans are reportedly in place to filibuster any legislation that smacks of progress or equity. “We’ve got to draw a line in the sand,” McConnell added. “If we don’t stand up now, the next thing you know, they’ll be enacting climate policies that could slow global warming. This could lead to a future where our grandchildren can still recognize the seasons. It’s terrifying.”

As the 2024 election looms, Republican leaders are urging their base to stay vigilant. “Remember, this is about stopping a radical, leftist, socialist agenda that includes the things most Americans say they want in poll after poll,” said Senator Ted Cruz. “We can’t let democracy get in the way of our vision for America.”