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Trump Turns To Religion To Get Through Troubled Times

October 15, 2019 by John DeProspo 1 Comment

The man who was been described as the least religious person ever to occupy the White House is turning to God for solace during the most difficult stretch of his presidency.

Yes, this is the same man who spoke of “Two Corinthians.” He is the same person who, when asked if he’s ever asked God for forgivingness, answered, “I don’t think so.” He is the same individual who could not name one verse from his favorite book, the Bible.

Many are cynically claiming Trump’s turn to religion is just a ploy to shore up his evangelical base. But some White House aides are saying Trump has truly found faith. One aide has actually verified she heard Trump declare, “Jesus is my personal Lord and Savior.”

To prove Trump’s transformation is real, the aide said Trump recenlty contacted Cardinal Timothy Dolan, Archbishop at New York’s St. Patrick’s Cathedral, to schedule a confession (Yes, confession is a sacrament open to non-Catholics).

The Archbishop has confirmed he has blocked off next week to accommodate Trump’s confessional.

Photo | AP Photo/ Evan Vucci

Filed Under: satire Tagged With: Cardinal Timothy Dolan, confession, Donald Trump, faith, found faith, least religious, religion

Breaking News … Trump Presidential Library To Be Located In Moscow

October 2, 2019 by John DeProspo 1 Comment

The White House has announced the location of the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library And Arcade. It will occupy the ground floor of the new Trump Moscow Resort and Casino to be built within a stone’s throw of Moscow’s Red Square.

It is being reported that the library will contain all of Mr. Trump’s favorite books, namely the Bible and The Art of the Deal. Trump’s personal collection of Marvel Comics will also be on display.

There will be a food court located in the center of the premises featuring multiple fast food outlets as well as a fun-for-all-ages arcade hall.

One of the library walls will feature a large screen displaying Trump’s voluminous tweets in a continuous loop.

A second wall will be filled with pictures of all the people that worked in the Trump administration who were fired, resigned or imprisoned.

A third wall will be completely covered by photos of all the people, and companies, Trump stiffed over the course of his lifetime.

A fourth wall will contain a long row of exit doors.

Said a White House aide, “Mr. Trump plans to ‘retire’ to Russia and he thought it would be wise to be near his big, beautiful, never-seen-anything-quite-like-it library. It is being predicted the library will become a huge tourist attraction that will give a boost to the Russian economy.”

Sources in the know are saying the entire project will be personally funded by Vladimir V.  Putin.

Photo | rbth.com

Filed Under: satire Tagged With: arcade, Donald Trump, Moscow, Presidential library, Russia, satire

Real Reason Trump Booted Bolton

September 13, 2019 by John DeProspo 1 Comment

If you believe what is being reported, Donald Trump fired his national security advisor, John Bolton, because the two men disagreed over foreign policy issues. This type of reporting is not only inaccurate, it also lends an air of rationality to our commander in chief’s mental machinations.

Donald Trump is a man who thrives on superficiality. He got rid of Bolton because he never liked that ridiculous stache.

Some aides have privately admitted Trump constantly dissed Bolton’s snowflake facial fur … behind his back. They said Trump would ask, “Hasn’t the guy ever heard of Just For Men?”

It appears after 16 months of looking at that chalky crumb catcher, it was just too much for Trump to stomach any longer. Bolton and his upper lipholstery just had to go.

Photo | sott.net

Filed Under: satire Tagged With: Donald Trump, dumped, firing, John Bolton, moustache, national security advisor, stache, white

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