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Chuck Grassley Calls For Dianne Feinstein’s Retirement

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In a shocking turn of events, Senator Chuck Grassley is calling for the retirement of his colleague, Senator Dianne Feinstein. The two senators, both aged 89, have been serving in the Senate for decades, but Grassley seems to think that Feinstein’s time has come to an end.

“It’s time for Dianne to retire,” Grassley reportedly said in a recent interview. “We’re both 89, but I’m three months younger. I think I’ve still got some good years left in me, but Dianne, well, let’s just say she’s not as spry as she used to be.”

Feinstein, the senior Senator from California has spent nearly three months away from the Capital, including a stint in the hospital before returning home to San Francisco to recover.

When asked why he is calling for the retirement of a person about the same age as himself, Grassley responded, “I am here. She is not. And heck, I did 50 pushups this morning before coming to work.”

The call for Feinstein’s retirement has generated a good amount of backlash, with some wondering if Grassley is playing with a full deck. But others have speculated the senior Senator from Iowa is jealous since Feinstein is currently the oldest sitting U.S. senator. They believe Grassley wants the title.

At this point, it does not appear Feinstein (or Grassley for that matter) will be leaving her job anytime soon. 

The answer, perhaps, as to why both senior senators continue to serve in the Senate can be found simply by looking at the portrait each has hanging in their offices… it’s of Strom Thurmond, the oldest senator to have served … at age 100 and 29 days!

Photo | washingtontimes/AP/Andrew Harnik

Tucker Carlson Leaves Fox For Higher Calling

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After years of being a prominent figure in the conservative media world, Tucker Carlson has made the shocking announcement that he will be leaving Fox News to pursue a new calling: the ministry.

Sources close to Carlson suggest that he is deeply troubled by the role he played in spreading fear, lies, conspiracy theories and disinformation during his time on television. He believes that he has a responsibility to atone for his sins and to help undo the harm he’s caused. 

“He’s been struggling with this for a while,” said a source who spoke on condition of anonymity. “He’s been talking to pastors and other religious leaders, trying to find a way to make things right.”

According to those same sources, Carlson’s decision to leave Fox News was motivated by his fear of going to hell.

“He’s always been a deeply religious person,” the source said. “But he’s been feeling more and more guilty about what he’s done. He’s worried that he’s going to spend eternity paying for the division he’s caused in our country.”

While some may be skeptical of Carlson’s sudden conversion, those who know him best say that he is sincere in his desire to repent and make amends.

“He’s a man of conviction,” said one friend. “He’s always been passionate about what he believes, and now he’s applying that passion to his faith.”

As for Fox News, the network is reportedly in a state of shock over Carlson’s sudden departure. After all, “Tucker Carlson Tonight” was the highest-rated cable news show for years. Fox has already started conducting a nationwide search to find a new host who is willing to take on the responsibility of spreading hate and lies to the American public.

“Whoever replaces Tucker is going to have some big shoes to fill,” said one Fox executive. “We need someone who can lie with conviction and fear-monger with the best of them.”

A replacement, however, might not be so difficult for Fox News to find. There are plenty of unscrupulous “newsmen” out there who have no fear of eternal damnation and would gladly sell their souls for some mega bucks.

As for Friar Tucker, our thoughts and prayers are with you, man!