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Trump Christmas Gift To Melania? Chia Pet

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Just one day before Christmas, Donald Trump revealed he had not yet bought a present for the First Lady.

During a Christmas Eve video conference call to troops stationed overseas, when asked by a soldier what gift he had gotten Melania, Trump confessed he had not gotten her anything … yet:

“That’s a tough question …. I got her a beautiful card. … A lot of love. We love our family, and we love each other. We’ve had a great relationship, hopefully like you do with your spouses. … I’m still working on a Christmas present. There’s a little time left. Not much, but a little time left.”

It was widely speculated Trump did not buy Melania a gift. 

Trump has previously acknowledged his shortcomings in finding gifts for his wife. You may recall, in a Fox interview in 2018, Trump admitted he only gifted a “beautiful card” to his wife for her birthday.

Naturally, everyone thought Trump had stiffed Melania again.

But not so fast! News filtered out of the White House today that Trump did indeed buy Melania a Christmas present… a Chia Pet!

We’ve all been there. You wait until the last minute to buy a Christmas present when you suddenly realize all the good stuff has sold out. So, what do you buy? Yep, that good old-fashioned staple … Ch-Ch-Ch Chia!

In a strange twist, Trump bought Melania a Chia Pet of himself … it being the only product style to not have completely sold out at the Walmart where Trump had shopped.

Photo | Chia.com

Trump Calls For Investigation Of Impeachment Vote

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Alleging foul play, Donald Trump is asking for an investigation of the electronic voting system used in the House of Representatives.

White House sources say Trump believes the only way he could have lost the House vote is for hacking to have occurred. In fact, these same sources say Trump was “shellshocked” when he learned the impeachment vote went against him.

“All my top people told me Nancy didn’t have the votes to impeach,” Trump tweeted today. “This is 100% VOTER FRAUD!”

“Why doesn’t the House take votes like the Senate?” questioned Trump. “Very fishy.”

It should be noted that, unlike the Senate where votes are recorded by roll call, electronic voting is unique to the House due to the fact it is four times larger than the Senate.

One aide, who asked for anonymity, said that when asked what proof he had for his allegation, Trump snapped, “I don’t need proof. I have Barr!”

It has been confirmed that Trump’s Attorney General, William Barr, will be opening an investigation into the alleged hacking of the House voting system. He is expected to hire Kaspersky Lab, a cyber security firm headquartered in Moscow, to handle the probe.

Photo | propublica.org

Trump Pardons Charles Manson

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Just days after pardoning three service members convicted, or accused, of war crimes, Donald Trump has issued a posthumous pardon to the convicted cult leader, Charles Manson, who died in prison in 2017.

Asked why he would pardon one of the most hated criminals in American history, Trump replied, “I always thought Charlie got a bum rap. He never killed anyone. It was his followers who committed the crimes.”

Some are speculating this latest pardon is just another one of Trump’s outrageous acts meant to distract the American public from the ongoing impeachment proceedings. Others believe it is a setup to the much-anticipated pardon of his good friend and self-proclaimed “dirty trickster,” Roger Stone.

Said an anonymous source, “If you look at the piddling crimes he was convicted of … obstruction of justice, lying to Congress and witness tampering, it will make Roger’s pardon less odious in comparison.”

Fighting back against his detractors, Trump added he has every right to issue pardons.

“The Constitution, and William Barr, give me the right to do whatever I want,” declared a resolute Trump.

Photo | nbcnews.com