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Real Reason Trump Booted Bolton

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If you believe what is being reported, Donald Trump fired his national security advisor, John Bolton, because the two men disagreed over foreign policy issues. This type of reporting is not only inaccurate, it also lends an air of rationality to our commander in chief’s mental machinations.

Donald Trump is a man who thrives on superficiality. He got rid of Bolton because he never liked that ridiculous stache.

Some aides have privately admitted Trump constantly dissed Bolton’s snowflake facial fur … behind his back. They said Trump would ask, “Hasn’t the guy ever heard of Just For Men?”

It appears after 16 months of looking at that chalky crumb catcher, it was just too much for Trump to stomach any longer. Bolton and his upper lipholstery just had to go.

Photo | sott.net

To Understand Why Trump Wants To Buy Greenland, Just Follow The Bouncing Ball

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Golf ball, that is!

It is no secret Greenland’s glaciers are melting at an alarming rate due to climate change. And underneath all that ice? Future lush green fairways!

Donald Trump has let it be known he wants to buy the world’s largest island (well the U.S. would foot the bill).

Trump, ever the prescient real estate developer, sees a major opportunity to turn the world’s newest frontier into a premier resort destination.

“I really like what I’m seeing with Greenland,” said Trump. “You know they call it Greenland for a reason. Underneath all that snow is beautiful green grass, perfect for building an amazing golf course.”

People familiar with Trump’s thinking on Greenland say he wants to build a casino surrounded by a world-class golf links.

“I’m thinking all that snow and ice will melt in about ten years … just enough time to get plans going to turn all that beautiful land into one great tourist attraction.”

Unfortunately for Trump, Denmark, which owns the island, is not interested in selling. But Trump is not deterred.

“I will use my great negotiating skills to get them to sell it to us on the cheap,” said Trump. “You forget, negotiating great real estate deals is what I do best.”

People who have questioned why the Trump administration has so forcefully opposed any and all efforts to combat climate change my have finally gotten their answer.

To further prove that point, word has it that Trump is also interested in buying Iceland.

“It will take much longer for Iceland to thaw out,” said Trump. “Underneath all that ice, you know, is more ice.”

Photo | pbs.twimg.com

Trump Warns Of Dire Consequences If He’s Not Re-Elected … Here’s The Complete List

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As he gears up for his re-election campaign, Donald Trump has warned that the U.S. would experience an epic stock market crash if he were not returned to the White House.

While this unsettling prediction has gotten the bulk of media attention, there are also a few other catastrophes Trump has warned about if a Democrat were to win the presidency in 2020.

Here is a list of what might take place, according to Trump, if a Democrat wins the next presidential election:

  1. Ordering fast food will require a doctor’s note
  2. C-SPAN will be the only TV channel
  3. Bacon will be outlawed
  4. Men will be required to change “doody” diapers
  5. “Merry Christmas” will officially be replaced by “Happy Holidays”
  6. Daily flossing will be mandatory
  7. Americans will be forced to eat five fruits and vegetables per day
  8. Conservatives will be banned
  9. Voters will only be able to cast their ballot if they can correctly name the three branches of government
  10. The Earth will be invaded by space aliens

Some are calling Trump’s warnings irresponsible and outrageous.  Others are saying it’s just Trump being Trump. You know, fear-mongering to juice up his base.

OK, Trump may have gone a little overboard with some of his predictions. It’s highly unlikely we will be invaded by spacemen from Mars … but, really, would it be such a bad thing if everyone flossed each day?

Photo | qz.com