After absorbing much criticism after his last debate performance, Marco Rubio is worried. Following his triumphant third place finish in Iowa, there is a real possibility his march towards becoming the Republican establishment favorite may have stalled.

Of course, the candidate will not publically admit to such concern. When asked if he thought his poor debate performance in last Saturday’s debate would affect the vote, Rubio said, “ I do not believe it will hurt me. And let me just say this, I do not believe it will hurt me.”

Rubio’s debate performance was roundly criticized by the media as being “robotic.” He kept repeating the same canned talking points over and over. Some political pundits dubbed Rubio: “Marco Roboto.”

But a little delving into Rubio’s past reveals he is not an automaton at all. While a boy, Rubio had a favorite Uncle who was completely deaf in one ear. By necessity, he would repeat himself in order to make sure he was heard by Uncle Manuel. His campaign staff claims this is just an old habit hard to break.

It is also helpful to know that Rubio likes things that repeat. His online bio reveals his favorite movie is Groundhog Day. He favorite movie character is Jack Torrance, the Overlook Hotel caretaker in The Shining.

Marco Rubio’s fate is now in the hands of New Hampshire voters. Many analysts are saying a finish less than second place would be the end of Rubio’s hope of becoming his party’s nominee.

Rubio is trying to remain upbeat in spite of his debate debacle. “I do not believe it will hurt me,” said the candidate. Again.

Photo | pinterest.com

 

 

Following his resounding third place finish in the Iowa caucus, things are looking up for Marco Rubio. In fact, Rubio was so giddy after the election one might have thought he was the winner.

“So this is the moment they said would never happen,” Rubio said in a speech after the results became clear. “For months, they told us that because we offer too much optimism in a time of anger we had no chance… I will be back in October and September of this year, because when I am our nominee we are going to win Iowa, and we are going to win the election for this country.”

As awesome as his third place finish was, Rubio will not be able to parlay his Iowa success into securing the Republican nomination.

There are a number of reasons why Marco Rubio will never be president. Some roadblocks are already known. His flip-flop on immigration is probably his greatest liability. The man who cosponsored the Senate bill creating a pathway to citizenship for undocumented immigrants now claims he was never for amnesty… or as he now tries to define it, “blanket amnesty.”

Rubio’s Senate attendance record is also a big problem. According to a recent report conducted by vocativ.org and GovTrack.us, Rubio is the senator “least likely to show up for work” – missing 99 of 1,198 votes over four years. That gives him an absentee rate of 8.2%. By comparison, the Senate average is 2.01%.

On climate change, Rubio is what’s best described as an equivocator. He still believes there is reasonable doubt on the issue even though 97.1% of scientists have “endorsed the consensus position that humans are causing global warming”

As bad as these well-known hurdles are for Rubio, there is one small, personal, previously un-reported fact that will surely disqualify him in the minds of Republican voters.

While a struggling law student at the University of Miami School of Law, in order to make ends meet, Rubio worked as a male dancer at a local Chippendales.

Knowing that someday he might enter politics, Rubio, always the cleaver one, performed under the pseudonym “Buck Naked.”

Photo | fusion.net

Now don’t get your panties in a bunch, it’s satire folks!

 

 

Jeb Bush’s campaign, and super PAC, has so far spent nearly $50M on campaign ads. No other Republican presidential candidate even comes close. The fact is Jeb’s eye-popping spending exceeds the amount spent by all campaigns at this point in 2012 by $10 million.

And what has all that money gotten Jeb? A paltry 5% voter support in the polls.

It seems nothing has worked for the Bush campaign. Jeb has tried both positive ads and negative ads, each to no avail. In what many called an act of desperation, Jeb convinced his 90-year-old mother to do an ad for him. The ad backfired and was widely mocked when Mama Bush said in the commercial, “Of all the running, he seems to be the one who can solve the problems.”

And now we have learned from an anonymous Bush campaign source, Jeb is seeking the endorsement of none other than the Vicar of Christ, Pope Francis. Campaign staffers are referring to this attempted coup as their “Hail Mary” pass.

Said the campaign source, “No doubt this would be a game changer. It could resurrect his campaign. The Pope is beloved by all. How many people do you know have a 90% approval rating?”

While the odds are slim that the Holy Father would agree to endorse any American presidential candidate, let alone Jeb Bush, the campaign source said that the Bush camp has let the Vatican know that they are prepared to make a generous contribution to the Church’s “collection plate.”

This Thursday, the next Republican presidential debate will be held in Des Moines, Iowa, hosted by Fox News. It will be another make or break moment for Jeb, the establishment favorite.

If somehow Jeb is able to snag the Pontiff’s endorsement before the debate, look for the other candidates to cry foul and label the endorsement just another desperate stunt by a desperate candidate.

Seems as if Jeb can’t win for losing.

Photo | (AP/Sue Ogrocki)