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Rand Paul To GOP… “Take Your Kids’ Table And …”

January 12, 2016 by John DeProspo 4 Comments

47562001.cachedAfter being left out of this Thursday night’s prime-time lineup by Fox Business Network, Rand Paul announced he will boycott the debate. He said, as a “top-tier” candidate, he was not going to be relegated to the undercard (kids’ table) debate featuring such also-rans as Carly Fiorina, Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum.

“I won’t debate anything that’s not first-tier, because we have a first-tier campaign,” Paul told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer on Monday. “What, all of a sudden I’m chopped liver? I’m’ 100% USDA prime, Wolf.”

“This is an absolute travesty,” a Paul campaign spokesman said. “By any reasonable criteria Senator Paul has a top tier campaign. He will not let the media decide the tiers of this race and will instead take his message directly to the voters of New Hampshire and Iowa,”

So, while Fox airs the next Republican debate, Paul will be out on the hustings in an attempt to lift his slumping poll numbers. “He is determined not to be sent to the ‘kids’ table’ for the next debate, scheduled for January 18, in all-important Iowa,” said the campaign spokesman.

When asked if it were a good idea to skip the Thursday debate, even if it meant being placed with the second-tier candidates, Paul said, “This is all bogus, man, no way would I get between Fiorina, Huckabee or Santorum. I blame RNC chair, Reince Priebus, for this travesty.”

Republican National Committee Chair Reince Priebus said on Fox News that Paul’s anger was misplaced and that he had not even heard from Paul that he would skip the debate. “Rand Paul is ‘a varsity candidate’ that has done very well,” said Priebus,” No one around here considers him a water boy.”

If only more Republican voters felt the same way as Reince then, perhaps, Paul would not be averaging slightly over 2% in Republican national polls.

Photo | thedailybeast.com

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: satire

Fox News … National Security Threat?

January 9, 2016 by John DeProspo 4 Comments

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A group of concerned citizens has petitioned the FCC to require Fox News Channel to include a warning label on all its TV broadcasts.

“We view Fox News as a national security threat many times greater than ISIS. “ said group leader Jason Banks. “Over the past seventeen years, all that the network has done is distort, misinform, and lie to its viewers. We now have a significant portion of our population suffering brain injury. They live in an alternate universe.”

“Fox News is the number one cause for all the division and fear in our country,” added group member Linda Schmidt. “Fox News is not, and never has been, a legitimate news channel.”

The group has accused Fox News of being nothing more than a project by right-wing propagandist Rupert Murdoch and Republican media strategist Roger Ailes to spread disinformation and promote GOP politicians. And they have carried out that mission with a roster of rabidly partisan hosts broadcasting provable lies.

“The reason we have such a sorry group of Republican politicians these days is all because of Fox. Without Fox News there would be no Trump. That a significant group of Americans hate their government and are arming themselves is due to Fox. Yes, Fox is a threat to our national security. They are the preferred news outlet for gun-carrying, paranoid white racists.”

Jason Banks observed, “Fox’s motto, “fair and balanced,” is pure Orwellian genius. A new Gallup poll exposed Fox News for the fraud that it is by finding that instead of being “fair and balanced,” the cable news leader caters to a viewership that is 94% Republican (Fair and balanced exposed). A more truthful slogan, said Banks, would be “misinformation for the unbalanced.”

While the FCC is the watchdog for consumer deception and fraud, the group admits their chances of getting the agency to force Fox News to display a warning label on all its broadcasts are slim. But they refuse to let the network continue to call itself “news.” Said Banks, “They are entertainment, pure and simple. If this isn’t false advertising, then what is?

Here is the proposed warning label:

Fox News is not a news channel. They are registered as an entertainment network. Any correlation between what is said on its “news programs” and the truth is purely coincidental and unintentional. Watching Fox News over an extended period of time can cause a significant loss in IQ points and can turn you into a government-hating, gun-toting, uniformed bigot. Watch Fox at your peril.

Photo | collegehumor.com

Filed Under: satire

Top Five Reasons Why Trump Supporters Love Their Man

January 4, 2016 by John DeProspo 8 Comments

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The GOP establishment just doesn’t get it: why would anyone support a buffoon like Donald Trump? Here is a man with zero political experience; a man who boasts of being political incorrect; a man who, in the famous words of John McCain, might be labeled a “wacko bird.” Yet there he is, leading his Republican opponents in the polls … month after month.

In an effort to find out what Trump supporters like most about the man, MM interviewed a number of his devoted followers. Here are the top five reasons why voters are attracted to Trump:

  1. “He has no political experience. Zip. That is why I think he is perfect for the job,” said Jake Brenner, who recently was denied a fast food job because he did not meet the qualification of having a high school diploma.
  2. “He really understands the struggles of the common man,” said Abigail Scruggs of the billionaire when interviewed at her trailer home.
  3. “He’s a smart businessman, the kind of winner America desperately needs, “ said Jim Grey about the businessman who has declared corporate bankruptcy four times.
  4. “He says what’s on his mind and could care less about being politically correct,” said Dave Manning of the man whose statements about Muslims are about to get him banned from Great Britain.
  5. “He is a born leader who just wants to serve his country and make it great again,” said Greta Jones about the man who sought multiple deferments in order to avoid service in Viet Nam.

Yes, Trump’s supporters are a fiercely loyal bunch. There is nothing their hero can say or do to change their minds. Facts be damned! One could say Donald Trump is the new American Idol.

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Photo | businessinsider.com

 

Filed Under: satire

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