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And Then There Were Only Thirteen – Graham Bows Out

December 21, 2015 by John DeProspo 6 Comments

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To the dismay of his supporters, Sen. Lindsey Graham has quit the Republican presidential contest. In an unprecedented move, Graham sent personalized “thank you” letters to each backer, all eleven.

“I knew my candidacy was a long shot,” said Graham, “but I wanted to get the message out that unless we have boots on the ground in every country that hates our guts, we will never be safe.”

The third-term Republican senator who also served eight years in the House, is considered a national security hawk and a foreign policy expert. He is beloved in his home state of South Carolina, despite his occasionally moderate leanings.

But what may have sabotaged his candidacy more than anything else is his “bachelor” status and the persistent “gay” rumors. When asked who would be his first lady, his promise to have “a rotating first lady” drew giggles and jokes—including a quip by Sen. Mark Kirk that Graham was a “bro with no ho.” Graham did not help his cause when he said, in a somewhat melancholy manner, being single did not make him a “defective person.”

Gay rumors have long plagued the senator and other South Carolina politicians have even implied that Graham is closeted.

Apparently Graham’s attempts to make light of his never having had a wife did not play well with the American public. Even though we live in a more tolerant time, it is still the case that nobody looks presidential when they’re anxiously explaining why they’re single in their 50s.

John McCain, perhaps Graham’s best friend, tried to quell the gay rumors when he told a reporter that Graham indeed loved women. “I know for a fact he went to his senior prom at D.W. Daniel High School with a southern belle name Peggy Sue Jenkins.”

Research, however, showed Graham’s date in 1973 was his first and last … at least with a member of the opposite sex.

Photo | abcnews.go.com

 

 

 

Filed Under: satire

Putin Riding High On Trump

December 17, 2015 by John DeProspo Leave a Comment

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Russian President Vladimir Putin recently weighed in on the Republican presidential frontrunner, Donald Trump. “The man is brilliant, “ said Putin. “He is strong, like me.”

While stopping short of endorsing his fellow macho man, Putin did say Trump would make a great president, unlike the cerebral Obama. “Trump, as they say in your country, takes no sh*t. I say that right? He says what he means and means what he says. He’s man you can trust. When he says his hair is real, I believe.”

Putin biggest praise was reserved for Trump’s taste in women. “The man could have any woman on earth and who does he marry? Soviet woman!” exclaimed the former KGB spy. Trump’s first wife, Ivanna (nee Zelníčková) was born in Czechoslovakia and his current wife, Melania (nee Knavs) was born in Slovenia (formerly a part of Yugoslavia.)

Trump is indeed very much a lady’s man, like Putin. In his book, How to Get Rich, Trump wrote: “All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me—consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”

In a 1991 Esquire interview, Trump said: “You know, it doesn’t really matter what [the media] write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of [expletive].”

When informed of Putin’s praise, Trump remarked, “ Vlad and I are like two brothers from a different mother. We’re both tough, appreciate beauty, don’t believe in political correctness and like riding horses bare-chested.” Asked to provide a photo of himself riding a horse shirtless, we were told, like Trump policy specifics, it would be provided after he’s elected.

Photo| businessinsider.com

Filed Under: satire

Bill Clinton’s 3 A.M. Phone Call

December 11, 2015 by John DeProspo 1 Comment

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Having been persuaded to run for president by his good friend Bill Clinton (The Genius Of Bill Clinton), Donald Trump makes a frantic 3 a.m. call to Bubba:

Trump – “Bill you gotta help me. I’m scared.”

Clinton – “Hey buddy, do you know what time it is?”

Trump – “Yea, but I know this is the best time to get you. I need your advice.”

Clinton – “My advice? You seem to be doing well on your own!”

Trump – “That’s just it. I’m doing too well. I’ve gone from front-runner to prohibitive favorite and I don’t know what to do now. People seriously think I can be the next president of the goddamn United States, for chrissake! I’ve tried sabotaging my campaign with some pretty crazy stuff lately but it’s not working. My numbers just keep going up.”

Clinton – “ You’ve done a great job upending the Republican Party and decimating the field. I’m proud of you. Why not just drop out now?”

Trump – “Bill you know me. I could never do that. I’m not a loser, you know. I need my numbers to go down so I can employ my exit strategy. You know, like I told George Stephanopoulos.”

Clinton – “I got to say you have a crazy group of loonies that just love you. How about this … you propose that we nuke North Korea? That should do the trick.”

Trump – “No, I think that might work out just like my last idea about closing our borders to all Muslims. Numbers went up!”

Clinton – “OK. How about you announce that you are in favor of reasonable gun control and you support a woman’s right to choose?”

Trump – “Yes, that’s it! There is a reason why you’re called a political genius!”

Clinton – “Well… you know.”

Trump  – “Thanks and give my best to Hill. See you Sunday. That was an 8 a.m. tee time, right?”

Photo | cnn.com

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: satire

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