Having been persuaded to run for president by his good friend Bill Clinton (The Genius Of Bill Clinton), Donald Trump makes a frantic 3 a.m. call to Bubba:

Trump – “Bill you gotta help me. I’m scared.”

Clinton – “Hey buddy, do you know what time it is?”

Trump – “Yea, but I know this is the best time to get you. I need your advice.”

Clinton – “My advice? You seem to be doing well on your own!”

Trump – “That’s just it. I’m doing too well. I’ve gone from front-runner to prohibitive favorite and I don’t know what to do now. People seriously think I can be the next president of the goddamn United States, for chrissake! I’ve tried sabotaging my campaign with some pretty crazy stuff lately but it’s not working. My numbers just keep going up.”

Clinton – “ You’ve done a great job upending the Republican Party and decimating the field. I’m proud of you. Why not just drop out now?”

Trump – “Bill you know me. I could never do that. I’m not a loser, you know. I need my numbers to go down so I can employ my exit strategy. You know, like I told George Stephanopoulos.”

Clinton – “I got to say you have a crazy group of loonies that just love you. How about this … you propose that we nuke North Korea? That should do the trick.”

Trump – “No, I think that might work out just like my last idea about closing our borders to all Muslims. Numbers went up!”

Clinton – “OK. How about you announce that you are in favor of reasonable gun control and you support a woman’s right to choose?”

Trump – “Yes, that’s it! There is a reason why you’re called a political genius!”

Clinton – “Well… you know.”

Trump  – “Thanks and give my best to Hill. See you Sunday. That was an 8 a.m. tee time, right?”

Photo | cnn.com

 

 

 

 

 

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie finally made good on his promise to join the majority of states that outlaw bestiality. By signing the bill into law this Monday, animal lovers, in the strict sense, are no longer welcome in the Garden State.

The new law, which goes into effect immediately, makes bestiality a crime punishable by 18 months in jail and a fine of up to $10,000. Penalties could get more severe in cases involving abuse or injury to the animal.

While most New Jerseyans support the governor’s action, not everyone is happy with the new law.

Newton farmer, Bobby Giles, thinks this is just another example of government overreach. “I own my animals and I don’t need some politician to tell me what I can and can’t do in the privacy of my barn,” said Giles. “Plus, this law is a violation of my religious beliefs. Who the hell is Christie to tell me I can’t know my animals ‘in the Biblical sense?’ You know I’ve been a widower for 15 years.”

Asked if he would comply with new law, Giles said, “Not as long as I have this shotgun in my hand!”

On another note, experts are predicting the sale of goats within the state will decline by 35%.

Photo | cambridgevets.co.nz

After the kerfuffle over questions asked by the CNBC moderators at last week’s Republican presidential debate, the Fox Business Network, host of next week’s fourth debate, has made a dramatic concession to the candidates. Mostly at the urging of Sen. Ted Cruz, the debate will be moderated by Fox’s Sean Hannity and, most importantly, candidates will be supplied with debate questions in advance.

Here are some of the questions Hannity plans to ask the candidates:

Sen. Cruz: “Why do you think Democrats like to give away “free stuff?” Are they not just trying to buy votes?

Gov. Christie: “Do you think the bogus “Bridgegate scandal” was blown out of proportion by the liberal media?”

Gov. Bush: “ Why are so many Democrats criticizing your brother’s presidency? Don’t they realize he kept America safe?”

Gov. Kasich: “When you were quoted as having said some of your fellow Republicans in the presidential race were ‘just crazy,’ you were misquoted, weren’t you?

Ms. Fiorina: “ Your record as the successful CEO of Hewlett-Packard has been described by some business leaders as a disaster. This is just envy, isn’t it?”

Sen. Rubio: “ You’ve been attacked as someone who is unable to handle his own personal finances. Isn’t it true, despite your humble beginnings, you were able to fully pay off your student loans in a timely fashion?”

Gov. Huckabee: “Some people say you sell worthless products to a gullible Evangelical base. Don’t you think this is just part of the liberals’ war against religion?”

Dr. Carson: “You say you were asked to run for the presidency by God. Why do so many liberal-communist- atheists have a problem with that?

Sen. Paul: “Why does the liberal media say that you are prone to plagiarism? You write your own material and give credit where credit is due… isn’t that right?

Mr. Trump: “People say many of your buildings were built by immigrant labor. Isn’t it true you pay all your workers well and offer great benefits? And you do not do the actual hiring, isn’t that correct?

The Republican presidential candidates should be more than happy with the new Fox “debate” format.

Photo | telegragh.co.uk