The dozen Republican presidential campaigns that met yesterday in Washington D.C. to discuss how the remaining debates should be handled have come up with a list of demands. Here are the “top ten,” as agreed on by the various campaign representatives:

1. No questions about which country a candidate would bomb next.
2. Debates should be taped, not live (for editing purposes and campaign approval).
3. Each debate winner should be allowed to skip the following debate.
4. Candidates should have the option to phone a friend, ask the audience or skip to the next question.
5. Each candidate gets two “potty” breaks.
6. There should be no questions on evolution, climate change, income inequality or who was the smartest “Brady Bunch” kid.
7. Candidates will be allowed to ask questions of the moderators.
8. Crib sheets will be permitted.
9. Candidates will be allowed to “take the fifth.”
10. Only one network, Fox News, will be allowed to moderate future debates.

Whether the TV networks will agree to all or any of the campaigns’ demands remains to be seen. As one media insider observed, “Without the ability to ask ‘gotcha’ questions, what fun would that be for the viewing public? Got to keep it unpredictable and lively if you want ratings!”

Image courtesy of Staurt Miles at Freedigitalphotos.net

It was just a matter of time. CNBC moderator John Harwood, at last night’s Republican presidential debate, asked Donald Trump the $64,000 question. “Mr. Trump,” asked the fearless journalist, “just what makes you think a clown like you should be running for president of the United States?”

The question stunned the Republican presidential front-runner but he soon gained his bearings. “John that is such a ridiculous question. I’m not going to answer it. It’s degrading, demeaning, insulting, biased,” said the billionaire candidate. “I mean, really? This is the first question the liberal media wants to ask me?”

Sensing an opportunity, Jeb Bush seemingly came to Trump’s defense. “John,” said Bush,” you know full well Donald meets all the qualifications required to run for president. Just where in the constitution does it say a buffoon can’t seek the presidency? You and your network should be ashamed of yourselves.”

It was at that point Texas Sen. Ted Cruz decided to join in on the media bashing. “How about talking about the substantive issues?” Cruz asked. “Nobody believes the moderator will vote in the Republican primary. It shouldn’t be about tearing into each other.”

Not to be outdone, Florida Sen. Marco Rubio launched his own assault on the “mainstream media.” Citing Hillary Clinton’s performance before the House Benghazi panel last week, Rubio said, “She has her super PAC helping her out,” referring to the media’s positive coverage of her performance.

Realizing he needed to start throwing his weight around, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie jumped on the bandwagon. Christie smartly seized his moment to express his disdain for the debate moderators when  a question was asked about the legality of online fantasy football. ““We have ISIS and al Qaeda attacking us,” asked a combative Christie,  “and we’re talking about fantasy football?”

With all the outrage expressed at the media by his fellow Republican candidates, Trump never did answer Harwood’s question.

Republican National Committee chairman, Reince Priebus, offered his own criticism following the debate. “The performance by the CNBC moderators was extremely disappointing and did a disservice to their network, our candidates, and voters.”

An anonymous source from within the RNC later revealed an embarrassing truth … it was Reince Priebus himself who cajoled Harwood to ask Trump the clown question. The Republican establishment can abide almost any “wacko bird” as their 2016 standard bearer … but not a clown.

Photo | epictimes.com

 

 

 

Breaking News – After failed efforts to tap Rep. Paul Ryan as their white knight, Republican House members have turned to former vice president Dick Cheney as their new leader. The ultraconservative House Freedom Caucus has fully endorsed the man many Democrats call the “Evil One.”

Rep. Jim Gordon, caucus chairman, said, “We are thrilled the vice president accepted our offer of becoming the new leader. As you may know, the Speaker of the House does not have to be an elected house member. He is the right man for a tough job.”

“Dick is a well-respected man who cares about the direction of this country; a man who knows how to get things done. He has the gift of persuasion. I don’t know anyone else who could have convinced George W. Bush invading Iraq was a good idea,” said Gordon. “Plus, Vice President Cheney has a big heart… ever since that last baboon heart transplant.”

When reached for comment, Cheney said he was happy to “get back into the action.” He directed some venom at current Speaker, John Boehner. “John is an honorable man, but can you really call him a leader? The man never grew a pair in all his years as Speaker. To get legislation passed, he had to go begging to that witch, Pelosi.”

When asked how he would bring order to the House; how he would get House Republicans to come together and stop their bickering, Cheney smirked and replied, “Easy, I will tell you in one word: waterboarding. Works every time.”

As a jester to the American people, Cheney is waiving the Speaker’s salary of $223,500. “Fortunately, I do not need the money. With the money I’ve made from Halliburton, there is plenty of money for me, my children, my grandchildren and great grandchildren.”

Whatever the weaknesses of John Boehner as Speaker, Cheney brings toughness in spades, including the rumored pair of large cajones.

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