After being stroked, coaxed and cajoled into accepting a job he didn’t want, the new Speaker of the House, Rep, Paul Ryan, is complaining the job “stinks” … literally!

It appears outgoing Speaker, John Boehner, was so addicted to his cigs he could not go outside his office for a smoke, as mandated by federal law. So he smoked up the office inherited by Ryan.

An avid runner and self-described health-nut, the new House Speaker says he cannot put up with the stench. Speaking to NBC’s Chuck Todd of “Meet The Press, “ Ryan said, “They have these ozone machines, apparently, that you can detoxify the environment [with], but I’m going to have to work on the carpeting in here. You know if you got to a hotel room or get a rental car that’s been smoked? That’s what this smells like.”

Upon further inspection of his new digs, Ryan noticed several whiskey stains on the drapes and carpeting. “Looks like I will have to put in for a complete remodel,” said Ryan. “You know cigarette smoke can permeate walls, light fixtures and furniture.”

“I’m sure the taxpayers won’t mind the expense,” Ryan said. “It will me part of a new beginning; a fresh start with a fresh coat of paint, if you will.”

Ryan has gone out of his way to say he will be a different kind of Speaker than Boehner. “I will be more open to the wishes of my caucus but I will not cater to the radical few,” said Ryan. To prove his point, the second thing Ryan did after complaining about the office smell was to announce he would not be working with the White House on immigration reform any time soon; well, at least while Barack Obama is still around.

“Look, I think it would be a ridiculous notion to try and work on an issue like this with a president we simply cannot trust on this issue,” Ryan said. “He tried to go it alone, circumventing the legislative process with his executive orders.”

A small group of House Democrats is floating a petition to have John Boehner personally pay for Ryan’s office renovation. “After all,” said a House member who chose to remain anonymous, “ he broke the law and caused the office to reek. Why should John Q. Public be left holding the bag?”

Considering all the perks the former Speaker will receive upon leaving office, paying for the mess he created would be a small price to pay for violating the “no-smoking” rule, passed in 2008, for all federal buildings.

It appears Ryan is on track to getting the foul smell out of his room. His challenge will be to do the same with the entire House.

 

Photo | alan.com

The dozen Republican presidential campaigns that met yesterday in Washington D.C. to discuss how the remaining debates should be handled have come up with a list of demands. Here are the “top ten,” as agreed on by the various campaign representatives:

1. No questions about which country a candidate would bomb next.
2. Debates should be taped, not live (for editing purposes and campaign approval).
3. Each debate winner should be allowed to skip the following debate.
4. Candidates should have the option to phone a friend, ask the audience or skip to the next question.
5. Each candidate gets two “potty” breaks.
6. There should be no questions on evolution, climate change, income inequality or who was the smartest “Brady Bunch” kid.
7. Candidates will be allowed to ask questions of the moderators.
8. Crib sheets will be permitted.
9. Candidates will be allowed to “take the fifth.”
10. Only one network, Fox News, will be allowed to moderate future debates.

Whether the TV networks will agree to all or any of the campaigns’ demands remains to be seen. As one media insider observed, “Without the ability to ask ‘gotcha’ questions, what fun would that be for the viewing public? Got to keep it unpredictable and lively if you want ratings!”

Image courtesy of Staurt Miles at Freedigitalphotos.net

It was just a matter of time. CNBC moderator John Harwood, at last night’s Republican presidential debate, asked Donald Trump the $64,000 question. “Mr. Trump,” asked the fearless journalist, “just what makes you think a clown like you should be running for president of the United States?”

The question stunned the Republican presidential front-runner but he soon gained his bearings. “John that is such a ridiculous question. I’m not going to answer it. It’s degrading, demeaning, insulting, biased,” said the billionaire candidate. “I mean, really? This is the first question the liberal media wants to ask me?”

Sensing an opportunity, Jeb Bush seemingly came to Trump’s defense. “John,” said Bush,” you know full well Donald meets all the qualifications required to run for president. Just where in the constitution does it say a buffoon can’t seek the presidency? You and your network should be ashamed of yourselves.”

It was at that point Texas Sen. Ted Cruz decided to join in on the media bashing. “How about talking about the substantive issues?” Cruz asked. “Nobody believes the moderator will vote in the Republican primary. It shouldn’t be about tearing into each other.”

Not to be outdone, Florida Sen. Marco Rubio launched his own assault on the “mainstream media.” Citing Hillary Clinton’s performance before the House Benghazi panel last week, Rubio said, “She has her super PAC helping her out,” referring to the media’s positive coverage of her performance.

Realizing he needed to start throwing his weight around, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie jumped on the bandwagon. Christie smartly seized his moment to express his disdain for the debate moderators when  a question was asked about the legality of online fantasy football. ““We have ISIS and al Qaeda attacking us,” asked a combative Christie,  “and we’re talking about fantasy football?”

With all the outrage expressed at the media by his fellow Republican candidates, Trump never did answer Harwood’s question.

Republican National Committee chairman, Reince Priebus, offered his own criticism following the debate. “The performance by the CNBC moderators was extremely disappointing and did a disservice to their network, our candidates, and voters.”

An anonymous source from within the RNC later revealed an embarrassing truth … it was Reince Priebus himself who cajoled Harwood to ask Trump the clown question. The Republican establishment can abide almost any “wacko bird” as their 2016 standard bearer … but not a clown.

Photo | epictimes.com