Breaking News – After failed efforts to tap Rep. Paul Ryan as their white knight, Republican House members have turned to former vice president Dick Cheney as their new leader. The ultraconservative House Freedom Caucus has fully endorsed the man many Democrats call the “Evil One.”

Rep. Jim Gordon, caucus chairman, said, “We are thrilled the vice president accepted our offer of becoming the new leader. As you may know, the Speaker of the House does not have to be an elected house member. He is the right man for a tough job.”

“Dick is a well-respected man who cares about the direction of this country; a man who knows how to get things done. He has the gift of persuasion. I don’t know anyone else who could have convinced George W. Bush invading Iraq was a good idea,” said Gordon. “Plus, Vice President Cheney has a big heart… ever since that last baboon heart transplant.”

When reached for comment, Cheney said he was happy to “get back into the action.” He directed some venom at current Speaker, John Boehner. “John is an honorable man, but can you really call him a leader? The man never grew a pair in all his years as Speaker. To get legislation passed, he had to go begging to that witch, Pelosi.”

When asked how he would bring order to the House; how he would get House Republicans to come together and stop their bickering, Cheney smirked and replied, “Easy, I will tell you in one word: waterboarding. Works every time.”

As a jester to the American people, Cheney is waiving the Speaker’s salary of $223,500. “Fortunately, I do not need the money. With the money I’ve made from Halliburton, there is plenty of money for me, my children, my grandchildren and great grandchildren.”

Whatever the weaknesses of John Boehner as Speaker, Cheney brings toughness in spades, including the rumored pair of large cajones.

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It was only a matter of time. As some second-tier candidates are preparing to exit the Republican presidential contest, one well-known celebrity has just announced his entry into the race: Bozo the Clown.

Rience Priebus, Republican National Committee chairman, has confirmed Bozo is now an official candidate for the 2016 race. “All the proper papers have been filed with the FEC and Mr. Bozo meets all the constitutional requirements to run for president. We now look forward to see how he performs in the glaring spotlight of the center ring.”

The odds are high that Bozo will make it into the next debate scheduled for October 28, 2015. New polling just released by Quinnipiac University shows Bozo the Clown with 23% support, trailing only Donald Trump at 25%.

“I am so thrilled to have this opportunity,” said Bozo, “It has always be a dream of mine to run for public office.” When asked what could possibly make someone with zero political experience think he would be an effective politician, especially as president of the United States, Bozo answered, “ The three leading candidates for the Republican party have as much political experience as I have.” Bozo was referring to Donald Trump, Ben Carson and Carly Fiorina.

“It is obvious the Republican field has room for another clown,” said Bozo.” I keep hearing a clown has been at the top of the polls for nearly four months. And now, his numbers are slipping! Frankly, other than the hair, I don’t see much effort on his part in trying to appear clownish. This country is hungry, and ready,  for a true, bona fide clown.”

When asked what his campaign slogan would be, Bozo replied, “A Rubber Chicken In Every Pot! My campaign advisers say it’s a winner.”

Asked if there is one main issue he would focus on, Bozo said, “Yes. Animal cruelty. I’ve seen trainers abuse lions and tigers and bears. Did I just say ‘lion and tigers and bears?’ Oh my! Hehe.”

The next Republican presidential debate should be a ratings bonanza for debate sponsor CNBC. Already the cable network is promoting the telecast as “The Battle Of The Clowns … Really.” Stephen Sondheim’s “Send In The Clowns” is expected to be played as the candidates enter the debate hall. This will be followed by Patsy Cline’s immortal, “Crazy.”

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I’m an 18-year-old male in desperate need of some wheels, but I can’t get my license. You see, I keep failing my road test. I think I have a constitutional right to own a car.

People at the DMV tell me I have to pass my driving test to prove I’m a good driver. But I know a lot of people who passed their driving test, and who now own a car, but are bad drivers. I even know some people who drive without a license! My not getting a license is pure and plain discrimination.

As Dwayne La Derriere, president of the KNC (Kids Need Cars) has clearly said, “Cars don’t kill people, people kill people.”

Our government is out of control with all its regulations. In my social studies class last year, I learned that the Fourteenth Amendment says, “No state shall deprive any person of life, liberty, or property … nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.”

Well, my state is depriving me of property … the car I want! Just because I can’t pass my road test, I’m being discriminated against. This is governmental tyranny.

I’m really a good driver. I just don’t do well on tests. Is that a reason to refuse me my license? Deny me my Constitutional right to own and operate a car?

I know I will eventually pass my road test. But I’m going on my fifth try. This is costing me big time.

And talking about cost, when I do get my license and buy a car, I’m told I can’t operate it on the road unless I pay for insurance. WTF! This is government overreach, I tell you.

For all those kids in a similar situation as me, stand up for your rights! Mr. La Derriere needs, and would appreciate, your generous donation to the KNC. Just go to www.governmentregualtionssuck.com.

Image courtesy of Naypong at FreeDigitalPhotos.net