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Don Rickles Endorses Trump

September 15, 2015 by John DeProspo 3 Comments

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The “king of the insult comedians,” Don Rickles, has endorsed Donald Trump for president. The 89-year-old comic believes Trump is the right man for the job. Rickles observed, “He’s the fearless kind of guy we need as the leader of the free world. Who else has hair like that and has the nerve to be seen in public?”

When asked if he truly believed Trump had a chance against the other, more established candidates, Rickles replied, “ He’s got as good a chance as any of those other hockey pucks … and punkette. Carly Fiorina, now there’s a face only Stevie Wonder could love!”

Asked if Trump could win a presidential contest against the Democratic front-runner, Hillary Clinton, Rickles quipped, “Hey if the woman can’t satisfy Slick Willie, how can she satisfy America?”

Rickles revealed he has been a friend of the Trump family for over 65 years. “I remember Donnie when he was just a little snot nosed kid sitting on his mama’s lap. Even back then I could see the brilliant mind and potential greatness. In grammar school, he used to pay a few pennies to this big kid, Bruno, to bully the faggy kids out of their lunch money.”

When asked if Trump has the temperament to deal with other world leaders, Rickles snapped,” Oh sure! You put him in a room with Putin and I’m telling you there’d be a price toupee! Get it? Folks, I got a million of ‘em!”

On a more serious note, the lifelong Democrat, also known as “Mr. Warmth,” was asked why he was supporting a Republican. “Hey, some of my best friends have been Republican. Did you know Sinatra was a closet Republican? But the real reason? We insult comics stick together.”

Photo | ticketmaster.com

 

Filed Under: satire

Three Reasons Why Perry Ends Campaign

September 12, 2015 by John DeProspo Leave a Comment

Texas Governor Rick Perry, a possible Republican candidate for the 2016 presidential race, answers a question about his indictment in Texas on two felony counts of abuse of power during an appearance at a business leaders luncheon in Portsmouth, New Hampshire August 22, 2014. REUTERS/Brian Snyder (UNITED STATES - Tags: POLITICS CRIME LAW BUSINESS)

Yesterday, former Texas Gov. Rick Perry announced the end of his 2016 presidential campaign at an event in St. Louis, Missouri.

“Unlike my 2012 run, I tried my best this time around,” said the weary-looking Republican. “I studied up real hard on foreign policy, domestic policy, you name it, but it wasn’t good enough.” Perry’s ranking in most national polls never got above 2%.

Perry stated there were three reasons why he was abandoning his quest for the presidency.

“One,” said Perry, “my campaign is flat broke. I just don’t have the guns to go up against the big boys … and girl. I’m not a billionaire like Donald Trump. Two, the whole glasses thing didn’t work. It seemed like a good idea at the time but no one bought that I was smarter than the last go-round. And three, ah, ah, and three…I forgot. Oops!”

Members from the audience tried to help the forgetful Perry by shouting out potential third reasons. “You’re just not presidential material?” someone offered. “You’re just another Texas dim-wit?” was also heard.

After apologizing to the audience for another “oops” moment, Perry observed, “”We have a tremendous field – the best in a generation – so I step aside knowing our party is in good hands, and as long as we listen to the grassroots, the cause of conservatism will be too.”

When Perry was asked if he would be endorsing any of the remaining candidates, he replied coyly, “I may endorse Jeb or Scott or Carly or Marco. I’ll have to wait to see what my handlers tell me.”

Photo | Reuters

Filed Under: satire

Trump Comes In Second In New Survey

September 11, 2015 by John DeProspo 2 Comments

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In a shocking new MM survey, Donald Trump has come in a distant second in Republican voters’ choice for presidential nominee. The Trump camp immediately dismissed the new polling as an outlier. The most amazing part of this new MM poll is that Trump is losing to a hypothetical candidate!

When asked to choose among the 17 declared Republican candidates plus this new, non-existent candidate, Trump comes in with 27% of the vote to the imaginary candidate’s whooping 51%. Who is this Trump-buster Moron Majority added to the list of candidates? Voters were given the choice of selecting,  “Any Juan other than these Bozos.”

Here are the full results of the MM survey:

“Any Juan other than these Bozos”….51%

Donald Trump….27%

Ben Carson….13%

Carly Fiorina….3%

Jeb Bush….2%

Scot Walker….1%

Ted Cruz….1%

Marco Rubio….1%

John Kasich….1%

Chris Christie….0%

Lindsey Graham….0%

Rick Perry….0%

Rick Santorum….0%

Bobby Jindal….0%

Mike Huckabee….0%

George Pataki….0%

Jim Gilmore….0%

Rand Paul….0%

Surprisingly, the new poll revealed that all factions of the conservative Republican base would embrace the hypothetical candidate. Pundits are predicting the new poll may give Mitt Romney the encouragement needed to make a third try for the presidency.

Editor’s Note: It appears a significant typo was made in formulating the survey. Our apologies.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Filed Under: satire

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