It’s time for a reality check. While Donald Trump, so far, is dominating the polls and media coverage, it is way too early in the race to pronounce him a winner. Now that the election season is starting to get serious, expect some disquieting facts to surface about Mr. Trump. People in the know are saying once these facts come out, Trump’s chances of becoming President, let alone the Republican presidential nominee, are what Jay Z might label “slimmer than that chick in Calvin Klein pants.”

Here are the top 10 reasons why there will never be a President Trump:

1. Secret sex tape with Justin Bieber made public
2. That thing on is head is the pelt of an endangered species
3. Al Sharpton was Trump’s best man at his first wedding
4. He hooked up with Hillary while at Wharton
5. He cheats at golf
6. He fathered out of wedlock Mexican twins, Julian and Joaquin
7. He fixed the 1970 Miss Universe pageant in favor of Miss Puerto Rico
8. He is a closeted Deadhead
9. He palled around with the Dalai Lama
10. There just aren’t enough morons

Yes, I know, Trump has been called the “Teflon Donald” (see Trump’s Secret Weapon Revealed) by many savvy pundits; yes, there are some serious allegations about to be slung; and yes, his loyal followers will forgive and dismiss almost anything their savior says or does. But I can say with confidence, as someone who plays the game, even his most diehard supporters will never forgive him for cheating at golf!

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In an effort to get down to the bottom of a swirling controversy (Trump’s hair), I was able to track down and interview Donald Trump’s hair stylist, Angelina Scapaticci, at her Fifth Avenue salon.

“Ms. Scapaticci,” I asked, “how long have you been cutting Mr. Trump’s hair?”

“Oh, I no cut Signore Trump’s hair, I style the hair,” answered the lovely 30 year old hairdresser. “My pappa Enzo cuts the hair. I just do the blow. How you say, giva the hair personality.”

“But you can confirm the hair is real, right?” I asked.

“Oh, yessa, the hair is real. It’s very nica en soft. I pulla very hard with the comb en nothing come off,” replied Ms. Scapaticci.

Realizing she was not the best candidate to confirm Trump’s hair was a living, breathing thing, I asked if I could speak with her father, Enzo.

“Oh, no. Pappa no here. He only have one cliente, Signore Trump. He make appuntamento.” answered Ms. Scapaticci.

“Your father only has Mr. Trump as a customer?” I asked.

“Oh yessa, Signore Trump is a very good tipper,” replied Scapaticci.

“But you’ve seen your father cut his hair, is that correct?” I pressed.

“Oh, no. They usa the backroom. Itsa part of the contratto,” Ms. Scappaticci informed me.

“Contract?” I asked.

“Oh yessa. My father cannot cutta no one else hair and he cant’ talk about Mr. Trump to nobody. How you say, itsa part of a non-disclosure agreamenta,” revealed the stylist.

“So I can’t talk to your father?” I asked.

“Oh no, impossibile!” replied Scapaticci.

“Ms. Scapaticci, I can’t help but notice your accent. Where are you from, Italy?” I inquired.

“Oh yessa, my father and me come from Italia 10 years ago on a visita. We never go back. How you say, we illegal immigrante.” admitted the stylist.

“Does Mr. Trump know your immigration status?” I asked.

“Oh yessa. He help me and my pappa get all the right paper to work here in the shoppa,” answered Scapaticci. “Such a nica man!”

Well, I learned two things; Trump can be selective in who he wants to deport and , according to Scapaticci,  Donald Trump’s hair is real … but whose real hair it is may never be known.

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Image courtesy of marin at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

 

Say what you will about Donald Trump … he’s an egotist, a carnival barker, a mouth without a brain … there is no denying he, unlike the other mainstream Republican presidential candidates, has been able bring all the disparate factions of the Republican base into one fold … his!

In a recent MM survey, all the different factions that make up today’s Republican Party viewed Trump favorably. No other Republican presidential candidate came close to the billionaire real estate tycoon. Following is a list of the many groups that comprise the base of the GOP, listed from largest to smallest. A word of caution and clarification … many of these groups overlap with one another.

Republican Base

Evangelicals

Tea Baggers

Xenophobes

Gun toters

KKK

White Supremacists

Neo-Nazis

Psychopaths

Homophobes

Red Necks

Your average bigot

Your run-of-the-mill racist

Sadists

Half-wits

The clinically insane

White-collar criminals

What an amazing feat the king of “birtherism” has been able to accomplish!

The question remains how long can the man keep this overwhelming support from such a varied group? Can Trump ride this multilateral wave of support to the Republican nomination? I wouldn’t bet against it.

Photo | moronwatch.net