With less than one month remaining in office, Donald Trump’s White House has established a “pardon hotline” to expedite the granting of presidential pardons to crooks.
“Over the last few months, we’ve been flooded with pardon requests from felons across the country,” said a White House spokesperson. “The old method of filing your request with the Justice Department is just too long and cumbersome.”
Lawbreakers of all stripes can simply call 1 800 P-A-R-D-O-N-M-E or 1 800 727-3665.
The spokesperson said special consideration will be given to those criminals who have made a “decent” contribution to Trump’s “Election Defense Fund.”
Asked if Trump isn’t just pulling a Blagojevich (soliciting a bride for a favor), the White House spokesperson said, “No, there is a big difference. What Blagojevich did was a crime. You can’t sell a senate seat. What Trump is doing is 100% legally within his Constitutional power.”
“The beauty of the hotline,” added the spokesperson, “is that when you call, you’ll get your answer right away. You’ll be speaking directly to the Pardoner-in-Chief, President Trump. And, yes, this will result in some very long hold times, estimated to be up to 5 hours, but we have some great music on hold.”
Currently the Village People’s Y.M.C.A. is playing on a continuous loop.
While Democrats have accused Trump of abusing his pardon power to reward allies and undermine the rule of law, House Intelligence Committee Chairman, Adam Schiff, inadvertently advertised the hotline when he said:
“If you lie to cover up for the President, you get a pardon. If you are a corrupt politician who endorsed Trump, you get a pardon. If you murder civilians while at war, you get a pardon.”
Some political pundits have cynically said that while the phone call is free, the get-out-of-jail-free-card certainly is not.
Photo | theatlantic.com/REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst
