Dark Knight To The Rescue – Cheney New House Speaker

Breaking News – After failed efforts to tap Rep. Paul Ryan as their white knight, Republican House members have turned to former vice president Dick Cheney as their new leader. The ultraconservative House Freedom Caucus has fully endorsed the man many Democrats call the “Evil One.”

Rep. Jim Gordon, caucus chairman, said, “We are thrilled the vice president accepted our offer of becoming the new leader. As you may know, the Speaker of the House does not have to be an elected house member. He is the right man for a tough job.”

“Dick is a well-respected man who cares about the direction of this country; a man who knows how to get things done. He has the gift of persuasion. I don’t know anyone else who could have convinced George W. Bush invading Iraq was a good idea,” said Gordon. “Plus, Vice President Cheney has a big heart… ever since that last baboon heart transplant.”

When reached for comment, Cheney said he was happy to “get back into the action.” He directed some venom at current Speaker, John Boehner. “John is an honorable man, but can you really call him a leader? The man never grew a pair in all his years as Speaker. To get legislation passed, he had to go begging to that witch, Pelosi.”

When asked how he would bring order to the House; how he would get House Republicans to come together and stop their bickering, Cheney smirked and replied, “Easy, I will tell you in one word: waterboarding. Works every time.”

As a jester to the American people, Cheney is waiving the Speaker’s salary of $223,500. “Fortunately, I do not need the money. With the money I’ve made from Halliburton, there is plenty of money for me, my children, my grandchildren and great grandchildren.”

Whatever the weaknesses of John Boehner as Speaker, Cheney brings toughness in spades, including the rumored pair of large cajones.

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