On the heals of a new bill signed into law by Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, which bans abortions sought because of fetal genetic abnormalities, the state’s Republican-controlled legislature is poised to outlaw masturbation; male masturbation, to be exact.
The new anti-masturbation bill, which Gov. Pence has promised to sign once it reaches his desk, makes it a crime for a man to sow his seed without regard to procreation.
“Masturbation is murder,” said Indiana legislative leader, Harold Handler.
“It is not just murder of the sperm but also of the spirit. Masturbation is a sin,” claimed Handler. “Sin marks the demise of the soul unless you are saved by Jesus.”
When confronted with the biological fact that masturbation is not conception but just the releasing of cells from your body and that only when a sperm is united with a woman’s egg does a new life begin, Handler replied, “The Bible says that it is better for your seed to fall in the belly of a whore than on the ground. This shows that, according to God, the act of masturbation is more sinful than the act of prostitution or adultery.”
“But if you’re talking about murdering the sperm, “I asked, “You might as well say that a woman having her period is murder because her body gets rid of the egg?”
Handler replied that there currently is a bill in subcommittee tackling that very issue.
When asked why he would sign such an unenforceable and clearly unconstitutional bill, Gov. Pence replied, “It is our job as elected officials to protect the sanctity of life… all life. And that is exactly what this bill does.”
“Why has American influence been on a downward spiral over the last few decades?” asked Gov. Pence. “Because of the increase in pornography, masturbation, and the proliferation of perverts in our nation. America has lost its moral compass. It is losing its masculine Christian essence because our youth are being allowed to spill their seed wherever they desire. We must stop it.”
When questioned how such a law could possibly be enforced, the governor replied, ”We know it will be difficult, especially in the privacy of one’s home. But any public masturbation will be met with a stiff fine, and in rare cases, jail time. Do you have any idea how many men masturbate in theaters?”
The new anti-abortion law has stirred-up a hornet’s nest among women. If this new anti-masturbation law goes into effect, you can be sure men will not just sit on there hands.
(AP Photo/Darron Cummings)
Well done!
Thanks, Stephen. It’s only logical!
I guess we should view young boys who have nocturnal emissions as criminals!
Yep, it’s the end of wet dreams! Well, maybe you can avoid jail time because of the involuntary nature and all..
Please tell me that this is a joke.
This is a joke. But not too farfetched.
I hope the legislation will allow exemptions for cases of rape, incest, or if the man’s life is in danger,
That would be very fair and just, Fred.
Woody Allen on masturbation : “At least I am having sex with someone I love.”
Yes, Annie Hall, I believe.
More bs out of the bowels of Indiana, Mississippi and North Carolina. What a brain trust of incompetent constipates.
They should all be forced to wear signs that stretched from ear to ear that read, “SPACE FOR RENT.”
Hate laws and the Neanderthalic idiots who subscribe to them shall NEVER succeed in the land of the free. They’re systematically and forthrightly doomed to failure professionally, economically, socially, and politically.
“If you take the public’s money, you take the public as well.” – Jon B.
And don’t you ever forget it, brain trusts!
Luckily, I got a call from the Keebler Elves. They want you nuts back in the trees again to make more cookies!
You’re welcome.
Jon
What a waste of time and money! Clearly unconstitutional and bad for business. Yep, the “stupid” party. But then again no one has ever accused Repugs of being on the right side of history.
Check out these crazy “masturbation” laws:
Utah Adultery, oral and anal sex, masturbation are considered sodomy and can lead to imprisonment.
Indonesia The penalty for masturbation is decapitation.
Wyoming It is against the law to entice, allure instigate, or help a person under 21 to masturbate. This activity is known in legal circles as an act of “self pollution.”
Michigan The law prescribes five years in prison for a man who engages “in acts of gross indecency, either in public or private.” This includes mutual masturbation by two men or the simple act of solitary masturbation.
New Jersey The law threatens men with a three-year sentence for “mutual masturbation.” The law covers anyone “who, in private, is a party to an act of lewdness or sexual indecency with another.”
Decapitation? A little severe, don’t you think?
Guy goes to the doctor’s office and Dr says, Sir I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating and the guy says, why ? And the Dr says, so I can examine you.
Good one, Henny!
Life begins at erection!!!
Good one!