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Putin Riding High On Trump

December 17, 2015 by John DeProspo Leave a Comment

39-photos-that-prove-vladimir-putin-is-the-most-badass-leader-in-the-world

Russian President Vladimir Putin recently weighed in on the Republican presidential frontrunner, Donald Trump. “The man is brilliant, “ said Putin. “He is strong, like me.”

While stopping short of endorsing his fellow macho man, Putin did say Trump would make a great president, unlike the cerebral Obama. “Trump, as they say in your country, takes no sh*t. I say that right? He says what he means and means what he says. He’s man you can trust. When he says his hair is real, I believe.”

Putin biggest praise was reserved for Trump’s taste in women. “The man could have any woman on earth and who does he marry? Soviet woman!” exclaimed the former KGB spy. Trump’s first wife, Ivanna (nee Zelníčková) was born in Czechoslovakia and his current wife, Melania (nee Knavs) was born in Slovenia (formerly a part of Yugoslavia.)

Trump is indeed very much a lady’s man, like Putin. In his book, How to Get Rich, Trump wrote: “All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me—consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”

In a 1991 Esquire interview, Trump said: “You know, it doesn’t really matter what [the media] write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of [expletive].”

When informed of Putin’s praise, Trump remarked, “ Vlad and I are like two brothers from a different mother. We’re both tough, appreciate beauty, don’t believe in political correctness and like riding horses bare-chested.” Asked to provide a photo of himself riding a horse shirtless, we were told, like Trump policy specifics, it would be provided after he’s elected.

Photo| businessinsider.com

Filed Under: satire

Bill Clinton’s 3 A.M. Phone Call

December 11, 2015 by John DeProspo 1 Comment

150805190213-donald-trump-bill-clinton-exlarge-169

Having been persuaded to run for president by his good friend Bill Clinton (The Genius Of Bill Clinton), Donald Trump makes a frantic 3 a.m. call to Bubba:

Trump – “Bill you gotta help me. I’m scared.”

Clinton – “Hey buddy, do you know what time it is?”

Trump – “Yea, but I know this is the best time to get you. I need your advice.”

Clinton – “My advice? You seem to be doing well on your own!”

Trump – “That’s just it. I’m doing too well. I’ve gone from front-runner to prohibitive favorite and I don’t know what to do now. People seriously think I can be the next president of the goddamn United States, for chrissake! I’ve tried sabotaging my campaign with some pretty crazy stuff lately but it’s not working. My numbers just keep going up.”

Clinton – “ You’ve done a great job upending the Republican Party and decimating the field. I’m proud of you. Why not just drop out now?”

Trump – “Bill you know me. I could never do that. I’m not a loser, you know. I need my numbers to go down so I can employ my exit strategy. You know, like I told George Stephanopoulos.”

Clinton – “I got to say you have a crazy group of loonies that just love you. How about this … you propose that we nuke North Korea? That should do the trick.”

Trump – “No, I think that might work out just like my last idea about closing our borders to all Muslims. Numbers went up!”

Clinton – “OK. How about you announce that you are in favor of reasonable gun control and you support a woman’s right to choose?”

Trump – “Yes, that’s it! There is a reason why you’re called a political genius!”

Clinton – “Well… you know.”

Trump  – “Thanks and give my best to Hill. See you Sunday. That was an 8 a.m. tee time, right?”

Photo | cnn.com

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: satire

Udder Delight – New Jersey Bans Bestiality!

November 12, 2015 by John DeProspo Leave a Comment

group of farm animals

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie finally made good on his promise to join the majority of states that outlaw bestiality. By signing the bill into law this Monday, animal lovers, in the strict sense, are no longer welcome in the Garden State.

The new law, which goes into effect immediately, makes bestiality a crime punishable by 18 months in jail and a fine of up to $10,000. Penalties could get more severe in cases involving abuse or injury to the animal.

While most New Jerseyans support the governor’s action, not everyone is happy with the new law.

Newton farmer, Bobby Giles, thinks this is just another example of government overreach. “I own my animals and I don’t need some politician to tell me what I can and can’t do in the privacy of my barn,” said Giles. “Plus, this law is a violation of my religious beliefs. Who the hell is Christie to tell me I can’t know my animals ‘in the Biblical sense?’ You know I’ve been a widower for 15 years.”

Asked if he would comply with new law, Giles said, “Not as long as I have this shotgun in my hand!”

On another note, experts are predicting the sale of goats within the state will decline by 35%.

Photo | cambridgevets.co.nz

Filed Under: satire

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