Moron Majority.com

 

During his address at the Value Voters Summit on Friday, Marco Rubio cut into his prepared speech to break the news of House Speaker John Boehner’s resignation. Immediately upon hearing the word, the crowd erupted into wild applause! Many of the religious conservatives cheered the Speaker’s sudden exit, taking credit for the downfall of a man reviled by the radical right as too liberal to lead.

The conference attendees couldn’t have been more lighthearted and gay … as in happier, that is. Their beloved party would be moving further to the right. Said one Republican, “This just proves that the whole problem with us Republicans is that we’re not conservative enough. Now we may have a chance to get something done!”

Sen. Ted Cruz, another Republican presidential candidate at the conference, hinted that the Senate needs a shake-up as well. “With all due respect to Majority Leader McConnell, he’s a wuss. He needs to grow a pair.” Cruz stopped short of an outright plea to fellow Senate Republicans to ditch Mitch.

The prospect of a more conservative House was too much for some Republicans to handle. “Wow,” rejoiced a conference member, “this is truly a great day! The new leadership’s first order of business should be the repeal of Obamacare.” When reminded that the Boehner-led House passed 56 bills to repeal Obamacare; that every House Republican voted for every single bill; that such a bill could not pass the Senate or survive a presidential veto,  the Republican was asked what more could Boehner have done? “He could have passed a new repeal Obamacare bill ever week,” he said, “56 repeal bills in four years isn’t a heck of a lot!”

Whoever the House Republicans pick as their new leader, you can be sure he will not be conservative enough for a cadre of rabid Republican reps. Their immediate goal seems to be a government shutdown over the funding of Planned Parenthood, something Boehner was opposed to. But the long term goal seems to be no less than to limit the power of the Federal government to just one function … funding the military.

As Saint Reagan famously said, “Government is not the solution to our problem; government is the problem!” Oh, the law of unintended consequences! Ronnie must be rolling over.

Post Script: Yesterday, Sen. Ted Cruz won the Values Voter Summit straw poll for the third year in a row . With a whopping 35% in the poll of summit-goers, he finished ahead of runner-up Ben Carson’s 18%. Donald Trump finished a disappointing fifth with 5% support.

Photo | AP/Huffingtonpost.com

 

After last week’s second Republican presidential debate, the most glowing reviews were for Carly Fiorina. Her impressive showing came on the heels of her winning performance in the first debate, albeit while at “the kid’s table,” (Carly On The Rise).

In the most recent CNN/ORC poll, Ms. Fiorina has shot up to second place among Republican presidential hopefuls with 15 per cent support, trailing only Donald Trump whose support slipped to 24 per cent.

But with a rise in profile comes an increase in scrutiny. There are a number of skeletons in Ms. Fiorina’s closet that will soon be made public, any one of which could derail her bid for the presidency.

Here are the Top 10 reasons why Carly Fiorina will never be president:

1. Declared bankruptcy twice while operating her lemonade stand as a young girl
2. Falsely accused her college roommate of having genital herpes after she stole her boyfriend.
3. Doesn’t like puppies
4. Secretly chews tobacco
5. As a teenager, boiled her sister’s bunny in a fit of rage
6. Was named “Most Likely To Be Mean” by her high school class
7. Palled around with Bella Abzug in the 1970s
8. Cheats at Words with Friends
9. When called “as cold as ice” by an employee at HP, the employee was successfully sued for defamation by “ice.”
10. Pees standing up

Yes, like Herman Cain and Michelle Bachmann before her, Ms. Fiorina will have her 15 minutes of fame. But her star will soon fade. While the current crop of Republican voters may forgive a candidate many things, one fact cannot be overlooked. What sicko doesn’t love puppies!

Image courtesy of SOMMAI at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

On the heels of the recent controversy surrounding whether the Republican presidential frontrunner, Donald Trump, believes President Obama is an American, a group of concerned citizens has demanded that Mr. Trump submit to a DNA test to determine if he is indeed human. “We’re not really sure if Trump is a member of the human race,” said Christy Combs, leader of the group. “I mean, if this person, and I use the word loosely, could become our next president, we want to make sure he is not some space alien sent down to takeover the world.”

When asked what makes the group question Mr. Trump’s humanness, Combs replied, “We’re all very scared. He seems to have a strange power over people. We’ve been watching and listening to Trump on the campaign trail and none of us have heard anything human-like come out of his mouth; no inkling of humanity, if you know what I mean. In addition, we’ve conferred with some of the top scientists and naturalists about Trump’s hair and all have given the same answer, “never quite encountered hair like that in the natural world.”

The group is also concerned about Mr. Trump’s strange facial expressions and the unusual way his lips contort while speaking. All signs, say the group members, that Trump could be an extraterrestrial.

When reached for comment, the Trump camp shrugged off the group’s request as “total nonsense.” Said campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, “Donald Trump is 100% human. He was born in Queens, New York to human parents. If they want to see the birth certificate, we will gladly provide it.”

When told of the offer, Ms. Combs would have none of it, saying, “And how do we know the certificate is not fake? Answer me that? No, nothing short of a DNA test, analyzed by top doctors and scientists, will satisfy us.”

Bill Spreckels, a group member, is convinced Trump has a spaceship buried in one of his many properties. “Mar-A-Lago” would be the most obvious site. I propose we hire a construction crew to dig up the place,” said Spreckels.

Ed Swoboda, professional comedian and group member, observed,” If Trump is from outer space, he is not only an alien but an illegal one at that! Now that’s rich!”

Image courtesy of dan at FreeDigitalPhotos.net