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Alabama has updated its science standards so that science is taught in science class. Beginning in 2016, Alabama students will be required to understand the theory of evolution, even though they will not be required to accept the theory.

Unlike current practice, where students rely solely on memorization of facts from textbooks, teachers will now be required to let students figure out things on their own through observation and experimentation, just like real scientists.

Already, however, these new guidelines are causing a stir in the deeply religious Bible Belt state.

Many teachers are objecting to the teaching of evolution as it conflicts with their deeply held religious beliefs. Taking their cue from Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk who is refusing to issue marriage licenses to same sex couples because of her religious beliefs, these teachers are ready to fight for their faith.

“God created man in his image. That’s what the Good Book says. I have a moral objection to teaching kids they evolved from apes,” said Lucinda Babbett. The 11^th grade science teacher said this is not what she signed up for when she took the job of science teacher.

“When I was hired by my school district, the teaching of evolution was optional. Now it’s mandatory? You can’t change rules mid stream. It’s unfair, “ claimed Babbett.

Republican presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee, has already pledged to take up the cause of the defiant teachers. “They should only follow the law if they think it is right. And this new law is wrong. It goes against God’s teaching. I’m a firm believer we all descended from Adam and Eve,” said Huckabee.

As the new rule does not go into effect until 2016, there is still time for the affected teachers to seek an accommodation from the state legislature. Failing that, there is always the option of a lawsuit.

“I am prepared to go to jail, just like Kim” said a rebellious Lucinda Babbett. “If that’s what God wants, that’s what I’ll do.”

It is believed that when the new science guidelines go into effect, there will be a mass “exodus” from the public schools and a dramatic increase in homeschooling.

The “king of the insult comedians,” Don Rickles, has endorsed Donald Trump for president. The 89-year-old comic believes Trump is the right man for the job. Rickles observed, “He’s the fearless kind of guy we need as the leader of the free world. Who else has hair like that and has the nerve to be seen in public?”

When asked if he truly believed Trump had a chance against the other, more established candidates, Rickles replied, “ He’s got as good a chance as any of those other hockey pucks … and punkette. Carly Fiorina, now there’s a face only Stevie Wonder could love!”

Asked if Trump could win a presidential contest against the Democratic front-runner, Hillary Clinton, Rickles quipped, “Hey if the woman can’t satisfy Slick Willie, how can she satisfy America?”

Rickles revealed he has been a friend of the Trump family for over 65 years. “I remember Donnie when he was just a little snot nosed kid sitting on his mama’s lap. Even back then I could see the brilliant mind and potential greatness. In grammar school, he used to pay a few pennies to this big kid, Bruno, to bully the faggy kids out of their lunch money.”

When asked if Trump has the temperament to deal with other world leaders, Rickles snapped,” Oh sure! You put him in a room with Putin and I’m telling you there’d be a price toupee! Get it? Folks, I got a million of ‘em!”

On a more serious note, the lifelong Democrat, also known as “Mr. Warmth,” was asked why he was supporting a Republican. “Hey, some of my best friends have been Republican. Did you know Sinatra was a closet Republican? But the real reason? We insult comics stick together.”

Photo | ticketmaster.com

 

Yesterday, former Texas Gov. Rick Perry announced the end of his 2016 presidential campaign at an event in St. Louis, Missouri.

“Unlike my 2012 run, I tried my best this time around,” said the weary-looking Republican. “I studied up real hard on foreign policy, domestic policy, you name it, but it wasn’t good enough.” Perry’s ranking in most national polls never got above 2%.

Perry stated there were three reasons why he was abandoning his quest for the presidency.

“One,” said Perry, “my campaign is flat broke. I just don’t have the guns to go up against the big boys … and girl. I’m not a billionaire like Donald Trump. Two, the whole glasses thing didn’t work. It seemed like a good idea at the time but no one bought that I was smarter than the last go-round. And three, ah, ah, and three…I forgot. Oops!”

Members from the audience tried to help the forgetful Perry by shouting out potential third reasons. “You’re just not presidential material?” someone offered. “You’re just another Texas dim-wit?” was also heard.

After apologizing to the audience for another “oops” moment, Perry observed, “”We have a tremendous field – the best in a generation – so I step aside knowing our party is in good hands, and as long as we listen to the grassroots, the cause of conservatism will be too.”

When Perry was asked if he would be endorsing any of the remaining candidates, he replied coyly, “I may endorse Jeb or Scott or Carly or Marco. I’ll have to wait to see what my handlers tell me.”

Photo | Reuters