Washington, D.C. — With the U.S. Army preparing what critics are calling a “Hail, Caesar! parade” for Donald Trump’s 79th birthday, a rebellious group of Americans has declared they will not stand idly by while tanks roll down streets and the birthday boy gulps down a Diet Coke from the grand stand.
“We must resist,” declared Ned ‘Bluto’ Crandall, the leader of the grassroots movement known as The Spirit of 76% Disapproval. “This is still our country and make no mistake – this war against fascism is far from over. We Americans don’t give up,” said Crandall, hand over heart. “Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell, no!”
The group, composed of veterans, college professors, improv comedians and one guy who insists he once arm-wrestled Bernie Sanders, is still discussing what tactics they will use to disrupt the parade.
Said Crandall, “We gotta take these bastards. Now, we could do it with conventional weapons, but that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, what this calls for is some really futile and stupid gestures on our part.”
Some of the actions being considered are: throwing water balloons at the baton twirlers, having a drone fly overhead with the banner “No Tanks. Just Thanks (for leaving!)”; a line of mime performers pretending to be stuck in invisible walls in front of the tanks. One group member wearing a Roman toga, who only goes by the name of “Dorfman,” suggested something with marbles.
“We know there are risks and we might be arrested by Trump’s goons,” said Linda Narvis, a retired librarian and self-described human bullhorn. “But when democracy is threatened, we fight back. Because if we don’t stand up now, next year he’ll demand a birthday invasion!”
Image/ChatGPT
