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We Did It!

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Congrats fellow Americans, we did it again! After a nail-biting election, President Trump is here to save us all! Forget the naysayers and pundits—we the people have spoken. And boy, do we have our guy back: Donald J. Trump, ready to right all wrongs with one sweep of his seven iron… or maybe a Sharpie? Either way, his master plans are already in motion! Like God created the world in seven days, Trump will fix our broken nation in the same amount of time. Here is his agenda for the first week he’s back in the White House:

Day One: Inflation Cured

Yes, it’s happening. On Day One, the economy will be absolutely booming. Inflation? Gone! Like magic. Who needs “fiscal policy” or “monetary adjustments”? Not us! Trump’s gonna waltz into the Oval Office, declare inflation un-American, and poof—your grocery bill is back to 1999 prices. Everyone gets an instant raise, and gas is practically free! 

Day Two: All Wars Ended by Lunchtime

Buckle up, global chaos, because on Day Two, Trump’s tackling all wars. Ukraine, Gaza, you name it—it’s over. With a trademark mix of charisma and “deal-making prowess,” he’ll just call Putin, Zelensky, and the rest for a lunch at Mar-a-Lago. Who could resist? By the time dessert is served, peace will reign. Expect lots of handshakes, photo ops, and some kind of commemorative “Trump World Peace” merch by sundown.

Day Three: Deporting All the “Bad Hombres”

On Day Three, our borders will be secure again. Trump’s going to deport every undocumented immigrant overnight. How? He’ll just point at the border and say, “Go home!” and voilà, problem solved! Who will step up to pick crops and staff essential services after that, you ask? Americans! Hard-working folks just waiting to get back to basics and—oh, wait, you don’t want that job? Well, somebody’s gotta do it. I’m sure it’ll all work out.

Day Four: The Great Rebuild

Repairing and revitalizing our nation’s physical infrastructure will get supercharged! Trump will personally make all the potholes disappear and build beautiful bridges, each bearing his name in gold letters, of course! No need to bother with funding or blueprints; he’ll just call in a “tremendous” team and wave his hands. Expect state-of-the-art highways, glowing in neon like the Vegas strip.

Day Five: Healing the Divided Nation

On Day Five, President Trump will bring us all together. Gone are the days of “us versus them.” Trump’s got a unifying spirit—and he’s going to make sure everyone agrees with him! If you don’t, well, there’s always social media bans and friendly suggestions to move to Canada. Because in Trump’s America, everyone’s happy… or at least says they are!

Day Six: Making America Safe (Especially for Women!)

Day Six is all about safety. Trump’s going to make America the safest country on earth, particularly for women. You heard right—crime rates will plummet, not just because he says so, but because he’ll install Trump Security Towers on every street corner. Forget police departments, we’re talking 24/7 live-streamed Trump Protection Squads ready to swoop in with unbelievable “Tremendous Law and Order.” 

Day Seven: Solving Global Warming

Finally, on Day Seven, Trump will tackle climate change head-on—with a revolutionary approach. How? Simple: we just won’t talk about it anymore. If we never mention “global warming,” “climate change,” or any “scary weather stuff,” the problem is basically solved. Can’t have a crisis if it’s not in the headlines, right?

So, here’s to the new era, America. We’ve finally got the guy back who’s going to make everything right again in just seven days. After all, what could possibly go wrong?

Some Republicans Worried Country Not Ready to Elect First Convicted Felon as President

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Just as many Democrats are worried the U.S. is not ready to elect its first woman chief executive, some Republicans are fretting over whether the country is prepared to elect its first convicted felon as president.

In a strange twist few saw coming, both parties are attempting a political first in presidential elections.

“It’s not that we’re anti-crime,” said one Republican senator, who chose to remain anonymous. “We just wonder if the country can handle a president who might need to attend parole meetings between Cabinet sessions.”

Some historical perspective, though, might ease their worries. Richard “I am not a crook” Nixon avoided prison by resigning, Warren G. Harding’s administration was a corruption carnival, and Andrew Jackson’s dueling escapades make modern scandals look quaint. As one Harvard political historian put it, “A felon might actually be a refreshing dose of honesty. At least with a conviction, we know what we’re getting.”

One Republican strategist even sees having a convicted felon as the party’s nominee an opportunity, not a problem. “Americans love firsts … the first man on the moon, the first man to fly across the Atlantic, the first McDonalds hamburger. This kinda thing just taps into America’s can-do spirit!”

Public opinion seems divided. In a recent poll, 40% of respondents said they would consider voting for a convicted felon if they aligned with their political beliefs; 40% said it was a step too far, while 20% had no opinion. “I just don’t know,” said one undecided voter. “On one hand, it’s kind of exciting. On the other, do we really want to explain to our kids why the president has to wear an ankle monitor?”

So, will it be a woman who shatters that proverbial “glass ceiling” or a convicted felon? My money is on the felon as some have been known to carry a shiv in their shoe.

Photo | zazzle/ North Star shop