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Markets Rise Dramatically Following Trump’s Sudden Resignation

March 18, 2020 by John DeProspo 2 Comments

The Dow Industrial Average gained a staggering 9,000 points following the unexpected White House announcement Trump has resigned the presidency. Stocks recovered nearly all their recent losses since setting their all-time high of 29,551.42 on February 12, 2020.

In a tweet, Trump indicated he made the move because he felt it to be in the best interests of the country:

I hereby resign the Office of President of the United States. For the good of the country, the office will now be in the capable hands of President Mike Pence and his awesome pardoning powers.

This is indeed an ironic turn following Trump’s often repeated prediction the markets would “crash” if he were ever to be removed from office.

It was only six months ago Trump boasted in a tweet, “Do you think it was luck that got us to the best Stock Market and Economy in our history. It wasn’t.”

 My, oh my, how things can turn on a dime!

The soon-to-be-president Pence has yet to comment on the dramatic turn of events. It appears the announcement caught him, as it did all Americans, by surprise.

“I had no forewarning … really, I mean it,” said Pence.

Speculation is already rampant of what a Pence presidency, and Kushner vice presidency, will look like.

Photo | slopes.com/AP-Evan Vucci

Filed Under: satire Tagged With: Donald Trump, markets, President Pence, resignation, rise, satire, stock market

Mitch McConnell Ditches John Roberts In Favor Of New Presiding Judge

January 19, 2020 by John DeProspo Leave a Comment

In a last-minute move that surprised no one, Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, has relieved Chief Justice John Roberts of his role as presiding judge at the Trump impeachment trial in favor of Captain Kangaroo.

McConnell’s desperate maneuver has confirmed what many had feared … he has turned the solemn Congressional responsibility of conducting a fair impeachment trial into a Kangaroo court.

But in a totally unexpected turn that has stunned McConnell, Judge Kangaroo has stated that “a trial without witnesses or documents is a sham trial … a fake trial. My court will not countenance such a clear disregard of its legal and ethical obligations.”

So now, look for the Democrats to get their wish list of potential witnesses … John Bolton, Mick Mulvaney, Lev Parnas, Stormy Daniels, the two Michaels … Cohen and Moore and Chrissy Teigen.

Photo | cbs.com

Filed Under: satire Tagged With: Captain Kangaroo, Donald Trump, impeachment, kangaroo court, Mitch McConnell, satire, witnesses

As Senate Trial Nears, Trump Set To Call Three Character Witnesses

January 14, 2020 by John DeProspo 2 Comments

We learned today from Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, that Trump’s impeachment trial may start as early as next Tuesday.

Word has it Donald Trump’s legal team is scrambling to prepare his defense. At the suggestion of Trump’s personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, three character witnesses will be called by Trump’s legal team to vouch for his good reputation and moral character: Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un and Recep Erdogan.

Putin, it is being reported, is prepared to say Trump is the model of honesty and probity. In the past, Putin has called Trump, “Greatest U.S.A. president.”

Trump’s love affair with the Korean leader, Kim Jong-un, is well documented. It is expected Kim will repeat his description of Trump as “a most wonderful, handsome and loving dear leader.”

Turkey president Erdogan is also a big fan of Donald Trump. He called Trump, “Allah’s gift to Turkey” after the impulsive commander-in-chief abandoned our allies, the Kurds, in Syria.

Yet some are already questioning the Giuliani-inspired tactic. They point out the three men are obviously beholden to Trump for various favors afforded them in the past. And, oh yes, they are all despots!

Nonetheless, the three strongmen are held in such high esteem by nearly all the Republican senators who will act as jurors at Trump’s impeachment trial that it seems well worth the effort, according to one of Trump’s most trusted advisors, son-in-law Jared Kushner.

Photo | salon.com

Filed Under: satire Tagged With: character witnesses, Donald Trump, Erdogan, impeachment, Kim Jong-un, putin, Republicans, Rudy Giuliani, satire, Senate, trial

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