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Biden To Hire ServPro For White House Restoration Work

September 21, 2020 by John DeProspo Leave a Comment

It is being reported that Joe Biden, if he were to win the presidency, will hire the cleanup firm, ServPro, to cleanse a White House that has been thoroughly soiled by Donald Trump and his administration.

While ServPro is a leading firm in disaster restoration services, disinfecting the People’s House will present a unique challenge.

“We at ServPro are very experienced at cleaning up after natural disasters … floods, hurricanes and the like. But we’ve never been asked to clean up after a man-made disaster such as a tainted presidency,” said a company spokesperson.

“We know, from its core, the building is rife with scandal, incompetence and corruption. If hired, we will do our best to rid the White House of such odious elements that, I fear, have likely seeped into every wall, of every room,” said the spokesperson. “We are prepared to do our best restoration work for the American people. Our goal would be to bring back honor, honesty and decency to that grand building.”

“We will be true to our motto, ‘Like it never happened’,” said the spokesperson. 

Asked how they plan to rid the White House of the repulsive stench now emanating from every corner of the building, the spokesperson said,” We may actually use something the President has himself suggested to rid a body of coronavirus …. simple household bleach.”

Some political observers are worried Trump may win another four years. If that is the case, the ServPro spokesperson noted a cleanup of the White House would then be impossible, saying, “The building would have to be razed and rebuilt.” 

As a pure cost-saving measure, Americans will need to vote Trump out of office on November 3.

Photo | servprohowardcountrymd.com

Filed Under: satire Tagged With: cleanup, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, restoration, satire, ServPro, white house

Trump Boaters Out Of Luck … Insurance Claims Denied

September 6, 2020 by John DeProspo 2 Comments

Several boats sank yesterday during a boat parade in support of Donald Trump on Lake Travis in Texas. Apparently, the sinking occurred due to choppy water caused by the large number of vessels moving so close together.

Most owners suffering loss have looked to their boat insurance to cover their damages. Unfortunately, many standard boat policies carry a little-known exclusion, namely, “There is no coverage when losses or damages are caused by the owner’s abject stupidity.”

Asked if he felt sorry for those supporters who lost their vessels, Trump snapped., “I like owners whose boats don’t sink, OK?”

Photo | abcnews.go.com

Filed Under: satire Tagged With: boat parade, insurance, Lake Travis, satire, sinking, Texas, Trump boat parade

Dems Mocking Move To Shore Up Italian Vote

August 22, 2020 by John DeProspo Leave a Comment

Republicans are not the only ones intentionally mispronouncing the name of the Democratic VP candidate, Kamala Harris. It seems that Democrats themselves have gotten into the act.

In their outreach to Italian American voters, who lean heavily to Trump and the GOP, Democrats are calling Kamala … Carmela!

The effort appears to be paying off as many Italian Americans have a positive reaction to the very Italian name, Carmela.

“My mother’s name is Carmela, as was her mother’s and her mother’s mother,” said Vinny Scappaticci, owner of Vinny’s Humungo Pizzeria and Donut Shop in the swing state of Pennsylvania.

“How could I not vote for a Carmela?” asked Mr. Scappaticci.

But won’t those same Italian voters who are looking to support “Carmela” Harris get confused once they see her correct name on the ballot?

“No,” said a Biden/Harris campaign strategist who chose to remain anonymous. “They will think it’s a typo, most likely. In any event, our research has shown most Italian Americans are not the greatest spellers.”

Oh snap!

Photo | bigpieinthesky.com

Filed Under: satire Tagged With: Carmela, Carmela Harris, Democrats, intentional, Kamala Harris, mispronunciation, satire

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