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Trump Warns Of Dire Consequences If He’s Not Re-Elected … Here’s The Complete List

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As he gears up for his re-election campaign, Donald Trump has warned that the U.S. would experience an epic stock market crash if he were not returned to the White House.

While this unsettling prediction has gotten the bulk of media attention, there are also a few other catastrophes Trump has warned about if a Democrat were to win the presidency in 2020.

Here is a list of what might take place, according to Trump, if a Democrat wins the next presidential election:

  1. Ordering fast food will require a doctor’s note
  2. C-SPAN will be the only TV channel
  3. Bacon will be outlawed
  4. Men will be required to change “doody” diapers
  5. “Merry Christmas” will officially be replaced by “Happy Holidays”
  6. Daily flossing will be mandatory
  7. Americans will be forced to eat five fruits and vegetables per day
  8. Conservatives will be banned
  9. Voters will only be able to cast their ballot if they can correctly name the three branches of government
  10. The Earth will be invaded by space aliens

Some are calling Trump’s warnings irresponsible and outrageous.  Others are saying it’s just Trump being Trump. You know, fear-mongering to juice up his base.

OK, Trump may have gone a little overboard with some of his predictions. It’s highly unlikely we will be invaded by spacemen from Mars … but, really, would it be such a bad thing if everyone flossed each day?

Photo | qz.com

Alabama Zygotes Take Advantage Of New Status

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Having been declared “persons” under Alabama’s newly passed “heartbeat” law, zygotes have begun to utilize their newfound status. They are organizing.

A spokesperson for the zygotes states they have banded together to press Alabama legislators to enact stricter gun control laws. “The zygotes fear they may be the victims of gun violence once they leave the safety of the womb,” said the spokesperson.

Unfortunately, the zygotes lack the necessary funds to successfully lobby lawmakers. Many are applying for social security cards in order to qualify for public assistance. “Most want gainful employment,“ said the spokesperson,” but they haven’t developed any skills. Some cruelly mock the zygotes by pointing out they haven’t developed… period.”

Still the zygotes are thankful for the new law that redefines an “unborn child, child or person” as “a human being, specifically including an unborn child in utero at any stage of development, regardless of viability.”

Zygotes in other states considering “personhood” laws are taking notice. If they get their rights, like their Alabama brothers and sisters, this could have serious implications for gun control efforts and the continued viabilityof the NRA.

Photo | wisegeek.com

Trump Fans Ecstatic Over Possible Loss Of Health Insurance!

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Donald Trump is at it again … delivering for his base!

As Sarah Kliff of Vox reports, “This week, his Justice Department filed a legal brief arguing that a judge should find Obamacare unconstitutional — a decision that would turn the insurance markets back into the Wild West and eliminate Medicaid coverage for millions of Americans. By at least one estimate, a full repeal could cost 20 million Americans their health care coverage.”

Oh, and on an even greater note, doing away with Obamacare would once and for all eliminate protections for people with pre-existing medical conditions!

What a week for Trump supporters! First his handpicked AG, William Barr, gives Trump, as he has boasted, “a complete and total exoneration” from any collusion or obstruction of justice, and now, the complete repeal of Obamacare? For Trumpsters, it just doesn’t get any better than this!

Well, maybe it could. Another round of tax cuts for corporations and billionaires would definitely add to their festive mood!

Photo | therobertreport.net