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Breaking: Trump Declares U.S. Constitution Unconstitutional

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Only days after telling NBC’s Kristen Welker on Meet the Press that he wasn’t sure whether a president was required to uphold the Constitution, Donald J. Trump has taken decisive action: he’s issued an executive order declaring the U.S. Constitution “unconstitutional.”

In what historians are already calling “a full-blown constitutional WTF,” Trump dismissed the revered document as “very rude, very unfair, and frankly, not nice to me.”

Speaking from a gold-plated podium at Mar-a-Lago, Trump explained: “Look, the Constitution—it’s very, very old. It’s feeble, like Sleepy Joe. Nobody talks about this, but it’s outdated, okay? Outdated. It was written by men in powdered wigs. Wigs! I know a lot about fake hair. Total frauds.”

Legal scholars across the country were reportedly stunned.

“This is, legally speaking, batshit,” said Stacy Farnsworth, professor of constitutional law at Yale. “We knew he misunderstood the Constitution, but we didn’t think he’d actually cancel it like a Netflix mini-series.”

Reactions in Congress were divided. Senator Susan Collins expressed “concern.” Meanwhile, other GOP leaders shrugged. “I mean, the Constitution’s had a good run,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson. “But maybe it’s time for something written in simpler words and larger font.”

Asked by a reporter if the U.S. Supreme Court was still necessary, Trump shook his head.

“No, no, totally unnecessary. Overrated. I’ve been to court like, a hundred times. And I always win or appeal or delay—it’s a beautiful system. But we don’t need them.”

Trump then pulled a Mar-a-Lago dinner menu from his podium, flipped it over, and scribbled “Executive Order: Supreme Court is Fired” in thick black Sharpie, just above the dessert specials.

According to insiders, Trump plans to replace the Constitution with a new one-page document called “The Trump Code,” described as a “more modern, freedom-forward contract” that includes:

  1. Trump is always right
  2. Presidents named Trump can serve unlimited terms
  3. All amendments must be approved by Truth Social polls.

When pressed on what legal authority he had to take such actions, Trump replied, “I have all the authority. Total authority. The best authority. Honestly, George Washington would be jealous.”

No… I Have Not Been Abducted And Sent To El Salvador

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To those few intrepid readers of this blog: first, thank you. And second, my sincerest apologies for the radio silence these past few months.

No, I haven’t been deported by the Trump goon squad. I haven’t been cancelled (yet). And no, I’m not holed up in a cabin somewhere writing a manifesto – though, let’s be honest, that might be where we’re all headed if things keep going this way.

The truth is simpler, and sadder: satire, thanks to Trump and his band of misfits, has become indistinguishable from reality.

I used to take pride in crafting absurd scenarios, farcical headlines, and wild hypotheticals to mock the political chaos of the day. But somewhere along the way, reality outpaced parody.

I wrote satire to shine a light on the ridiculous. Now, the ridiculous is the light source.

Take this headline: “Trump Declares Moon 51st State, Names Himself Lunar Emperor.” Not that long ago, that would’ve been a joke. Today? I’m not entirely convinced it wouldn’t appear on Truth Social – with 40,000 likes and a Mar-a-Lago fundraiser to follow. Fox News would run a special: “Is the Moon Too Woke for Statehood?”

That’s the problem. Real headlines sound like rejected Onion drafts.

For me, it really boils down to this … I find nothing happening today remotely funny. It’s hard joking about the erosion of our democracy and seeing the rise of an authoritarian state ruled by a moron. This is serious stuff; these are serious times. As much as I admire the Andy Borowitzes of the world who keep soldiering on, I personally needed to step back.

I haven’t given up, though. Not on satire, and definitely not on America. I’m just taking a break and praying for our great country to get back on its feet after this self-induced coma we find ourselves in.

In the meantime, thank you for your patience, your faith, and your refusal to go numb.

As someone I admire very much likes to say, “Watch this space.”

Sincerely,

Your Editor-In-Grief

photo/Etsy.com

Satirists Declare National Emergency as Trump’s Cabinet Picks Outpace Their Wildest Spoofs

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In an unprecedented move, the nation’s leading satirists gathered on the steps of the Capitol today to stage a protest against what they call the “unbearable tyranny of reality.” Their target? … Donald J. Trump. With one shocking Cabinet pick after another, many worry they soon may be unemployed. 

“Trump is literally putting us out of business,” said a visibly distraught Andy Gotwitz, host of the satirical show This Is Not Real News. “I mean that anti-vaxxer, Robert Kennedy Jr., as Secretary of Health and Human Services? The guy thinks windmills cause autism! How can we compete with that!”

The satirists, carrying signs reading “Leave Room for Parody!” and “Stop Stealing My Punchlines, Donald,” claim that Trump’s announcements have created an existential crisis in their field. “We spend hours trying to come up with absurd scenarios to lampoon these people,” lamented writer Mandy Morewitt. “But Matt Gaetz as Attorney General? What am I supposed to do with that? Photoshop him serving subpoenas at a high school prom? It’s already too on the nose!”

Some critics of the satirists, however, have been unsympathetic. “Maybe they should have worked harder,” said a man dressed as George Santos in a Bigfoot costume, who claimed to be a Trump supporter. “Donald doesn’t just blur the lines between fact and fiction. He erases them! Sorry, but get used to it honey.”

Meanwhile, Trump himself responded to the satirists’ plight during a rally in Florida. “These so-called comedians are very pathetic” he said, waving a printed copy of a New Yorker cartoon. “They’ve got no creativity. No smarts. I’m the most tremendous satire writer in the world. I invented satire. You’re welcome, SNL.”

The satirists say they are considering a new strategy: abandoning politics altogether and turning their attention to less absurd subjects, like alien conspiracy theories or the British monarchy. 

At press time, a White House insider revealed the next Cabinet announcement: My Pillow guy, Mike Lindell, as Secretary of Commerce.

“Kill me now,” sighed the collective voice of satire writers everywhere.

Photo/AI generated