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Fox News Awards Chris Wallace Combat Pay

September 30, 2020 by John DeProspo Leave a Comment

For his heroic performance moderating last night’s first presidential debate, Fox News has awarded its star reporter, Chris Wallace, combat pay.

The bonus rewards Wallace for having survived what many are calling the mother of all contests – the “presidential debate” between Donald Trump and Joe Biden.

Throughout the night, Wallace bravely withstood a barrage of incoming fire from Donald Trump who repeatedly criticized him, while interrupting Biden every chance he got.

Things got so heated that Wallace was forced to remind Trump just who was in control of the debate. 

“Mr. President, I’m the moderator of this debate and I’d like you to let me ask my questions,” Wallace said.

Unfortunately for Wallace, his brave performance was not appreciated by all. Many of Trump’s most ardent supporters accused him of favoring Biden by having the audacity of cutting Trump off mid-rant, trying to steer the conversation back to the topic at hand.

Close associates of Mr. Wallace are concerned that the brutal experience may leave him a victim of PTSD.

Photo |foxnews.com

Filed Under: satire Tagged With: Chris Wallace, combat pay, Fox News, presidential debate, satire

Handful of Ted Cruz Supporters Upset With Trump SCOTUS Pick

September 26, 2020 by John DeProspo Leave a Comment

Now that Donald Trump has chosen Amy Coney Barrett to be his nominee to fill Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s Supreme Court seat, a number of Ted Cruz enthusiasts are disappointed with Trump’s selection.

According to a White House source, Cruz was in the running to sit on the nation’s highest court up until the very end. But, the source revealed, it was Trump’s son-in-law and senior advisor, Jared Kushner, who put an end to Cruz’s chances. “Do you really want the son of the man who helped assassinate JFK on the bench?” asked Kushner. “It’s just not a good look.”

The source also stated that Cruz’s harsh words during the 2016 presidential campaign didn’t sit well with many of Trump’s other advisors.

As you may recall, this is what Cruz said about then-candidate Trump: 

“This man is a pathological liar, he doesn’t know the difference between truth and lies … in a pattern that is straight out of a psychology text book, he accuses everyone of lying.”

For good measure, Cruz also accused Trump of being “utterly amoral,” a “narcissist at a level I don’t think this country’s ever seen” and “a serial philanderer.”

As disappointed as Cruz’s supporters may be, they should take heart … if Trump wins reelection, he may have the opportunity of naming a fourth, or even fifth, justice to the Court.

Word on the street is that, if Trump wins, Clarence Thomas is looking forward to spending more time with his family.

Photo | cnn.com

Filed Under: satire Tagged With: Amy Coney Barrett, Cruz supporters, disappointed, Donald Trump, nominee, satire, supreme court, Ted Cruz

Biden To Hire ServPro For White House Restoration Work

September 21, 2020 by John DeProspo Leave a Comment

It is being reported that Joe Biden, if he were to win the presidency, will hire the cleanup firm, ServPro, to cleanse a White House that has been thoroughly soiled by Donald Trump and his administration.

While ServPro is a leading firm in disaster restoration services, disinfecting the People’s House will present a unique challenge.

“We at ServPro are very experienced at cleaning up after natural disasters … floods, hurricanes and the like. But we’ve never been asked to clean up after a man-made disaster such as a tainted presidency,” said a company spokesperson.

“We know, from its core, the building is rife with scandal, incompetence and corruption. If hired, we will do our best to rid the White House of such odious elements that, I fear, have likely seeped into every wall, of every room,” said the spokesperson. “We are prepared to do our best restoration work for the American people. Our goal would be to bring back honor, honesty and decency to that grand building.”

“We will be true to our motto, ‘Like it never happened’,” said the spokesperson. 

Asked how they plan to rid the White House of the repulsive stench now emanating from every corner of the building, the spokesperson said,” We may actually use something the President has himself suggested to rid a body of coronavirus …. simple household bleach.”

Some political observers are worried Trump may win another four years. If that is the case, the ServPro spokesperson noted a cleanup of the White House would then be impossible, saying, “The building would have to be razed and rebuilt.” 

As a pure cost-saving measure, Americans will need to vote Trump out of office on November 3.

Photo | servprohowardcountrymd.com

Filed Under: satire Tagged With: cleanup, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, restoration, satire, ServPro, white house

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