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Cyber Ninjas Hires Bill Barr To Summarize Arizona Audit Report

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In an effort to stem the confusion surrounding the release of its Arizona audit report, Cyber Ninjas has hired former Trump Attorney General, William Barr, to distill the essential findings.

At a news conference this morning, Barr said, “While the audit showed Biden receiving more votes than Trump, that doesn’t necessarily mean Biden won the contest. Some are actually claiming the report ‘conclusively shows there were enough fraudulent votes, mystery votes, and fake votes to change the outcome of the election 4 or 5 times over’.” 

Arizona Republicans are not happy with the work of Cyber Ninjas and are said to be contemplating another audit of the Maricopa County election results to be conducted by the little-known firm, Sumo Warriors.

Photo | people.com

Behind Closed Doors, Barr Reads Trump Four-Page Summary Of Bolton Book

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Donald Trump is furious.

It appears his efforts to stop John Bolton from publishing his tell-all book are a tad too little, too late. “The Room Where it Happened: A White House Memoir” is scheduled to be released next Tuesday, June 23rd, and explosive excerpts from the book have already been made available to the press. 

The New York Times and the Washington Post have both reviewed the book. The juicy memoir already tops Amazon’s bestseller list.

In an effort to allay his anger, Attorney General, William Barr, prepared a four-page summary of the nearly 500-page tome which he read to Trump in the privacy and security of the White House bunker.

As Donald Trump does not read books, Barr’s summary will be the closest he comes to knowing about the book’s contents. As such, Barr’s portrayal carries a lot of weight with the aliterate Trump.

White House sources have revealed that Barr’s summary appears to have appeased the infuriated Trump. They report Barr characterized Bolton’s book as just another “he said, she said piece of garbage” and that it “completely exonerates him.”  

Because the book is starting to alter even his bases’s perception of him, it is being reported that Trump might break form and actually listen to the book once it’s made available on audible.com.

Photo | foxnews.com

Trump Calls For Investigation Of Impeachment Vote

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Alleging foul play, Donald Trump is asking for an investigation of the electronic voting system used in the House of Representatives.

White House sources say Trump believes the only way he could have lost the House vote is for hacking to have occurred. In fact, these same sources say Trump was “shellshocked” when he learned the impeachment vote went against him.

“All my top people told me Nancy didn’t have the votes to impeach,” Trump tweeted today. “This is 100% VOTER FRAUD!”

“Why doesn’t the House take votes like the Senate?” questioned Trump. “Very fishy.”

It should be noted that, unlike the Senate where votes are recorded by roll call, electronic voting is unique to the House due to the fact it is four times larger than the Senate.

One aide, who asked for anonymity, said that when asked what proof he had for his allegation, Trump snapped, “I don’t need proof. I have Barr!”

It has been confirmed that Trump’s Attorney General, William Barr, will be opening an investigation into the alleged hacking of the House voting system. He is expected to hire Kaspersky Lab, a cyber security firm headquartered in Moscow, to handle the probe.

Photo | propublica.org