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Transcript – Bernie’s Meeting With Pope

April 9, 2016 by John DeProspo 4 Comments

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Rome, April 15, 2016 – After today’s inspiring speech at a Vatican conference hosted by the Pontifical Academy of Social Sciences, a scholarly association in Vatican City, Bernie Sanders had a private audience with the Holy Father, Pope Francis.

Below is a transcript of the meeting:

Sanders – “It is such a pleasure and honor to meet you, your Holiness.”

Pope – “You can just call me Fran, OK?”

Sanders – “Sure Holy Father… I mean Fran. It’s just that I’m a little nervous meeting with one of my heroes.”

Pope – “You are too kind, Signore Sanders.”

Sanders – “You can just call me Bernie, Sir … I mean Fran.”

Pope – “I like very much how you talk about income inequality in your country. The billionaires just care for themselves. Always want more, more, more.”

Sanders – “Yes, we have a serious wealth gap in the United States. The top 1/10th of 1 percent — not 1 percent — the top 1/10th of 1 percent today in America owns almost as much wealth as the bottom 90 percent.”

Pope – “I know. I listen to your speeches. Here we have cable. I get CNN.”

Sanders – “And I hear your speeches about our corrupt political-economic system. I really like it when you take on “trickle-down” economics… I think you called it a crock or something?”

Pope – “I called it the dung of the Devil. Now, Signore Sanders … I mean, Bernie, I hear you are a Jew but not a practicing Jew?”

Sanders – “That is correct. I believe that there is a connection between all living things, and that my belief in God requires me to do all that I can to follow the ‘Golden Rule,’ to do unto others and as I would have them do unto me.”

Pope – “Brava, Brava! You hit the nail, as they say, on top of the head!”

Sanders – “ Thank you Fran. People say my chances of becoming the next president, well, they say I don’t have a prayer.”

Pope – “I pray for you, Bernie. Let’s keep in touch. Here is my private email address, on my private server.”

Photo | dailynewsbin.com

 

 

 

Filed Under: satire

Trump’s List Of Top 10 VP Picks

April 4, 2016 by John DeProspo 10 Comments

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Now that Trump’s steam locomotive has hit a rough patch of track, he has revealed his list of top ten vice presidential picks in order to create some much needed media buzz.

While the Trump campaign has said the names are not listed in any order of preference, no one is surprised by the name at the top of the list … Sarah Palin. Trump has stated he wants a running mate who would compliment him. No one has done that more than Sarah Palin.

Here is Trump’s list of VP possibilities:

  1. Sarah Palin
  2. Joe Pesci
  3. Jesse Ventura
  4. Charlie Sheen
  5. Howard Stern
  6. Hulk Hogan
  7. Sylvester Stallone
  8. Amy Schumer
  9. Ted Nugent
  10. Ivanka Trump

Yes, Ivanka Trump! When asked about the obvious nepotism, Trump insisted, “No, my daughter just has one incredible brain, and she’s not bad to look at either. She’s been a big supporter, and advisor, of my campaign. Would love to have her backing me up.”

Trump was asked about Joe Pesci being number two on his list.

“As my campaign manager told you,” Trump snapped, “the names are in no particular order. But I like Joe a lot. Did you see him in Goodfellas or My Cousin Vinny? The man is pint size but tough. Won’t take any crap, like me.”

When confronted with the fact that those were just roles Pesci played, Trump replied, “I know Joe. He doesn’t act, he is just being himself. Remember that scene in Goodfellas where Joe shoots the kid who forget to get him a drink at the poker game? DeNiro says you are going to dig the grave. And Joe says, no sweat, it’s not the first hole I dug! Love his moxie.”

When questioned about Amy Schumer, Trump said “I know she’s probably a Democrat and Chuck’s a relative of hers. But the Jewish vote is very important to me, especially in New York.”

Whether or not releasing his VP list will help Trump remains to be seen. But it’s always a good bet to have an American hero like Rocky on your short list.

By the way, do you see something else Pesci and Trump have in common?

Photos | mic.com – mp3onlinehits.top

 

 

Filed Under: satire

Top Ten Reasons Why Trump Is The Perfect GOP Nominee

April 2, 2016 by John DeProspo 2 Comments

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The Republican establishment does not think highly of Donald Trump or his rabid followers.

But say what you will about Trump supporters: they’re dumb, uninformed and misguided. I tend to think they are the opposite: smart, knowledgeable and clear-minded.

Here is a top ten list of what Donald Trump has promised (in his own words) or would bring to the table, if he were to become president of the United States:

  1. “I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created.”
  2. “I’m the most militaristic person ever.”
  3. “I will build a great wall . . . and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me.”
  4. “I would use the greatest minds. I know the best negotiators.”
  5. “I would hit [ISIS] so hard your head would spin.”
  6. “I’m rich, really really rich.”
  7. “My doctor has said, ‘If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.’
  8. “I have great feelings of compassion and helping people.”
  9. “I’m smart, very smart.”
  10. “We will have so much winning if I get elected that you may get bored with the winning.”

Who wouldn’t want a man like this for president? Sounds like a godsend, for chrissake!

Of course, all those wonderful things about Donald Trump were said by, well, Donald Trump.

But as Trump supporters know, their man means what he says and says what he means. Billionaires don’t need to lie.

Why can’t Republican elites accept Trump and rally behind him? Why can’t they trust the good judgment of their voters?

Oh, and Donald Trump is a winner. He said so.

Photo | slate.com

 

Filed Under: satire

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